Secretly Loving You (Lauren/You)

Chapter |13|

Your point of view:

After a few hours of resting I went to school late, I told the attendance lady that I was feeling sick and wasn't planning on coming in today but I did not want to miss anymore school than I already have.

By the time I got to school it was 4th period which was a free period for me fortunately, I could go to the three classes and get the work and notes from today.

About ten minutes ago I texted Lauren that I came to school, she had said that as soon as I begin to not feel good again she wants me to tell her so that I can go home. I have apologized to Lauren about getting upset earlier and she said that she understood where I was coming from.

*** *** ***

I walked into Lauren's classroom smiling slightly, Lauren had texted me that she needed to talk to me about something. I don't really know what it is, but it can't be bad. There was only five minutes left of my free period, Lauren didn't have a class this period so I guess it was a good time to have a talk.

"Hey, I got your text." I greeted holding up my phone when Lauren looked up from her papers to look at me. "What's so important that you want to talk about?"

"Take a seat... please." She gestured to one of the chairs beside her desk before looking at the door that was shut, probably making sure no one was lurking around when they shouldn't be.

Furrowing my eyebrows I sat down, I looked at Lauren confused. Something seems to be bothering her, I'm not sure what.

"What's going on? You look upset." I took her hand in mine rubbing the back of her hand with my thumb.

She shook her head before pulling her hand back, okay it has to be really bad because she wouldn't ever pull her hand away from me.

"We can't do this anymore, Y/n." She blurted out as she stood from her chair now and faced the board, she grabbed the white board eraser and began erasing everything on the board.

A lump formed in my throat as my mind raced with thoughts on what she could mean, 'We can't do this anymore.' What is that supposed to mean?

I chuckled lightly, "What do you mean?"

"You know what I mean, we can't do this, we can't be seeing each other." She didn't look at me as she spoke.

"If it's because of the age gap, I completely understand.. and the stress that you are in by all the school work your students turn in every day, but we can make this work-"

"-You're not listening to me, Y/n. I'm ending this.. before anyone gets hurt." My heart was racing and I didn't know if this was actually happening or not, is she breaking up with me?

"Lo, I have told you a bunch of times that we are okay.. I turn eighteen in a month and I get that you don't want to get in trouble because of this, but I graduate in less than 2 months." I felt uneasy about all of this, it all seemed to be happening so quick.

"No. You don't get it! My whole life is on a line here, I could go to jail! I'm not taking no for an answer, Y/n. What ever this was, it's over. And that is final." Her voice was firm and I felt my stomach twist in a knot and my heart throb.

"So that's it? You're just going to use me when you need someone and then get rid of me when you don't?! For fucks sake, if I knew you were that type of girl I wouldn't have slept with you!"

"Keep your fucking voice down." Lauren now turned to look at me and I couldn't see anything but anger in her eyes.

"Why are you doing this... why are you and everyone else so set out to hurt me? You knew I was happy! You knew, and yet you decided to end things now and hurt me when we were getting serious?! This is bullshit!"

Lauren sighed running her right hand through her wavy hair, "I'm trying to look out for you-"

"-By fucking ditching me? By ending a good thing? By giving me consent to fuck you? By leading me the fuck on?" I scoffed, my tough façade playing on. "Sure, whatever you say."

"You were just as into it as me, Y/L/N. I'm not going to let you sit here and blatantly insult me." Lauren grabbed the stack of graded papers on her desk and they were now between her hands, she brushed passed me somewhat violently.

"We're using last names now? Fucking cold," I scoff, as she began to place those papers into a filing cabinet, "You're not trying to ease out of this."

"You will not use that kind of language against me, Ms.Y/L/N."

"You cuss more than I!" I stated, quirking a brow, "I thought you were all for free speech but I guess you were just a fake bitch."

"Fake bitch?" Lauren paused suddenly, her finger still into a file she looked at me, hurt was evident in her tone and the way she looked at me.

"Yeah, that is exactly what you are. Using me, knowing I needed someone, then throwing me out when you think I can get you in trouble. What was I? A stupid asset, an experiment for you?"

"... No, I..." She stammered not knowing what to say.

"You're speechless because you know I am right."

"No, you're ignorant." She husked, a growl in the back of her throat. If she wasn't mad before she definitely was now.

"Me, ignorant? I don't-"

"-God, listen! I did this for you, and I realized later it could come to you being disgusted... Or even worse, traumatized."

"Traumatized?" I chuckled before giving her a blank stare, "Are you serious?"

Lauren sighed, looking back to the files as she quickly began to shove the pages in. "You're fucking seventeen years old! I thought at first this was fine but hearing from friends, I figured it was wrong! It could hurt you, and I don't want you to be hurt. It could hurt me, hell, it has hurt me..."

"Yes Lauren, maybe instead of traumatizing me you hurt me. You fucking hurt me and you always disregard that. We went from lovers to... back to this stupid fucking student teacher thing, when you know that's not what you want!"

"Sometimes, Y/n," She sighed, pushing the file cabinet closed. "We can't have what we want."

I felt the tears burn the back of my eyes, and I clenched my fist. There was a slight ache as I ground my teeth together, "You're... God, you're fucking... I hate you, Lauren. You've ruined my already fucked up life even more and I fucking hate you for it! But guess what, I still love you even though I want to hate you and there's nothing I can do. You really don't care huh? I just have to sit through the depression, sit through the chaos. And guess what? I can't tell anyone because I'll get you in trouble." My voice cracked towards the end of my rant, it's true... I really can't talk to anyone about this, not even Kevin. I told him I wasn't going to let her hurt me, and what did I do? Just that.

Lauren would have commented that she couldn't really tell anyone either, but she heard my words and instantly regretted trying to end things. I knew it, from the look on her face. She looked distraught. She met my eyes, and softly spoke, "You love me? Y/n..."

"No, no. I... I won't hear this from you." I was beginning to get choked up, I had to leave before I broke down right in front of her. "Bye, Ms. Jauregui."

"Y/n, wait-" She called out for me but I had only continued to walk out of her classroom, not paying any attention to her words or actions in that moment.

As soon as I made it outside I leaned against the building, sliding down the wall as I let out a sob. Is this really happening? Did Lauren just end things with me?

Wiping my eyes I grabbed a rock and threw it as hard as I could, not knowing what I was trying to accomplish by the action. Why can't I just be happy? My life is so god damn fucked up I cant even be happy for long before something ruins it.

My vision blurred by the tears that were begging to escape once again and I couldn't keep them in, why should I? Tears were now streaming down my cheeks and I felt stupid, stupid for letting Lauren hurt me like this. Stupid for falling for someone.

God I need to get my stuff out of her apartment. I need to go live somewhere else, Lauren will probably be here a while so I could go back to the apartment, grab my things and leave without meeting her there.

Okay. Come on Y/n, lets go.