Splintered [Complete | GB+SB]

Six: Consequences and Victor Morgan

Luke and I sat in his car, a giant black Jeep that seemed an unusual choice for him but I wasn't going to presume anything. Gabe sat in his own car a few spots away and stared at his phone while we talked.

Well, I talked, and Luke sat there looking numb and exhausted, and I realized Gabe's call had woken him up after only a few hours of sleep.

"An hour, actually," he said. "That rush you left during? That was just the beginning of it. We were slammed for three more hours. Great for Uncle, not so much for me and North." So he had still been there when I drove by earlier.

"I'm so sorry you got dragged into this today, Luke. Things just spiraled, and Gabe messed up, and he knows it, so please don't be too mad at him."

"I'm not," he said, looking anywhere but at me. "I'm not mad at him. I'm mad at you."

Nothing. He gave me nothing to go on. "For...?"

"I'll give you three guesses, and I'll bet every one of them is correct," he said sarcastically.

"For leaving this morning." He held up one finger, pursing his lips. "For believing what Gabe said over the phone." Two fingers, and he was glaring out the window again. "For kissing Gabe." No finger, but his brow furrowed and he looked thunderous. I waited but he didn't say anything. "Luke, I don't know what I did that was so terrible if it wasn't because I kissed Gabe."

He clenched his fists, and I was reminded again about how unnatural this anger looked on him. This was something I did to him, me, and it made me think that all the talk of medication and illness wasn't the only factor with my stepmom. Maybe I really did antagonize her, make her so angry she needed to destroy everything around her. If I could do this to Luke, I could do this to anyone.

"I don't mind if you kiss Gabe," he finally said, his voice crackling with strain. "Maybe I should but I don't. We talked about this, about you getting a chance to experience things and just enjoying yourself for once, and I really was okay with the plan when it was one of these other three strangers that you met before me that might get to kiss you first. But then just a few hours later, you meet my best friend, and of course you want him, of course you're going to choose him, because he's unbelievably awesome and who can fucking compete with Gabe? And I wasn't prepared for that, for the race to be over that quick, and I'm just left in the dust again. Fuck. If it's not Gabe, it's my fucking brother, or JESUS, Silas! I should have fucking known this would happen, but I didn't, I got complacent and I got over-confident, and WHY WASN'T IT ME? Why didn't you kiss ME? Why don't you want ME?!"

I flinched when he started yelling, I couldn't help it, and he looked at me like I punched him in the gut, or like he'd just punched me. He looked devastated, and my heart ached, and my head ached, and I didn't know how to fix this.

I fought the impulse to throw myself at him, to beg him to hold me and kiss me and not feel betrayed any longer, but it doesn't work like that. That would be like putting a band-aid on a broken bone: a nice, easy gesture to make but it doesn't fix anything. I had to fix this and I wasn't sure if i could trust my instincts but I didn't know what else to do.

"Luke, when I left this morning, I'd never felt so good in my life," I said carefully. "I felt happy. I was happy. I walked down the road towards my house and I had hope, a future, all because of you. All because of what you did, and the things you said, and who you are." He was listening, so that was good, and that terrible look of having had his heart crushed into bits was going away. "When Gabe said that stuff on the phone, I felt like someone had just ripped my guts out because it made everything I'd felt this morning crumble into dust. Then, when he confessed everything and we came to an understanding about...things, all I could think of was how you talked about kissing me, how you made it sound like my first kiss was some kind of beautiful gift I was going to give to someone, and how that made me feel, like I was special and precious. And I don't think you realize how low Gabe's self-esteem is, how inferior he feels to you and your friends, and I understood him. I know what it feels like to be less than, and I also know how life-changing it can be when someone makes you feel valued and worthy, like you did for me," his brow wrinkled in concern, and I kept going, talking faster. "And because you did that for me, I realized I could do that for him. I could make your best friend feel as good, and happy, and hopeful as you made me feel. We could both feel good enough for once, first choice, not a consolation prize. And he is attractive, and he is awesome, and I like him a whole lot, but he isn't you and no matter what happens in my life and where I end up, last night will always be one of those moments that changed everything, and you will always be the person that gave me my first happiness." He relaxed a bit but still wouldn't look at me, and I felt the tension in my chest clamp down. "Do you understand how insignificant a kiss feels to me next to that? How much you mean to me? Luke, you aren't left in the dust, you already won the medal and everyone else is just racing for second place."