fate/first order derivative

Part II.7

> restart: iteration 27, day 1, early night

... fuck.

I sit up on the floor of my bedroom. Then I think better of it and lie back down.

> so
> now what
> are you going to go talk to shirou and the others

What's the point? There's too much, isn't there? Too many unknowns. Until I know what Tracksuit Bro's deal is... or what the shit was up with that shadow thing Zouken summoned... I can't do it, can I?

I can't save her.

***

> skip to: iteration 27, day 3, morning

But there is one thing I can do. Actually, make that two things -- but first things first.

I'm there waiting when she walks in from the other building. At the bottom of the stairwell, this time, just to be safe. I wait and make sure there's no one behind her. Then I call out: "Sakura."

"Huh?" She stops and looks at me. "Do I know you?"

"No," I say. "But I need to ask you a question. It's important."

She glances around nervously. But I guess there must be something in my eyes, because she steps closer anyway. "What?" she hisses. "If this is about my brother..."

"It's not." I lower my voice. "Listen. What if... just hypothetically speaking... what if someone were to kind of accidentally find out all about you? And I mean all about you."

"Like... what?" She stares at me.

"Like... about the Bug Room." I watch the color drain out of her face. "About your grandfather. About what he's done to you. Is doing to you."

"I don't know what you..."

I can't look at her anymore. "About your sister. And Rider. And about what happened when you were six. And on your twelfth birthday, and all the other horrible shit you've been through.

"Let's say someone found out about all of that. And he wants to help... but he needs to figure out how. I mean, in a way that doesn't get a bunch of people killed. And that's... that's probably gonna take him a little while.

"So the question is... is there anything... anything at all... he could do to help you right now? Anything that you want?" I lift my eyes. "Anything that could help... if anything can, I mean..."

I watch a parade of emotions march across her face, from fear to anger to anguish to other things I couldn't even begin to put a name to. Then she leans in close and whispers into my ear:

"Kill me."

I swallow. "No. No way. That's not an option."

"If I could do it myself, I would have by now. Understand?" she growls. "I don't want to be his monster. I don't want to be him."

She pulls away from me, suddenly looking perfectly composed. Perfectly average. And I realize that -- for all the stolen memories I might have -- I don't understand her at all. I have no idea what keeps her going, what keeps her getting up and going to school and pretending to be normal and then having to go back home to that place and all those horrors and secrets and then having to do it all over again. What kind of hideous strength must that take? After everything she's been through, how is she still sane? How is she still even in the general neighborhood of sanity?

"Please," she says quietly. Her dull, hopeless eyes stare into mine for a moment. Then she turns and goes upstairs to class.

After she's gone, I sit on the floor and put my head in my hands. How the hell am I going to do this? How am I going to find a way to prove those eyes wrong?

... can I?

***

> skip to: iteration 27, day 4, morning

At least the next item on the to-do list promises to be a little more fun.

I'm waiting at the back of Emiya's classroom when he walks in. He walks right past of me, of course, since I never introduced myself. That's okay. That's not what I'm here for.

"Yo, Emiya!" Shinji Matou calls out. Smiling his creepy little smile, he gets up from his desk.

You see, I finally put two and two together. That girl he's about to talk about, Ayako Mitsuzuri? The one who disappears on Saturday and gets found in the city yesterday? That's him. Of course it's him. He orders Rider to make it happen. And now he's going to go over and brag about it, because that's what being a big shot means in his warped little mind. Graduating from assistant to senior torturer. Doing whatever he wants to the little people with his mystical magic powers, just like great-great-granddaddy.

Small wrinkle this time, though. When he walks over to Emiya's desk, I step in behind him. "Hey. Matou." When he turns around, I slam A Complete History of Japan in the Modern World -- the thickest, heaviest, most serious hardcover textbook the school library has to offer -- right between his eyes with as much force as I can muster.

Sure, as soon as the shock wears off, he gets up and kicks my ass. But still. Feels kinda good while it lasts.