When I need to vent

5-1-18

I literally want to die.
I wrote an essay to read to my dad about my emotional trauma.
Like a full on essay.
I let my teacher read it and she gave me pity.. like child. I like complaining about this crap, but I don't really enjoy pity.
And then I keep using the razor to scrape the skin off my fingers.. it stings but feels good. :)
And I have a giant project we have to present tonight, and my stepmom won't FUCKING LISTEN! It's at 5:45.
She's not going until fuckin 6:30!!!
I'm gonna be so hella late!
At least my boyfriend will explain to the teacher what happened.. god bless him.
I just want to hug him and cry into his shoulder but no one is here for me so why does it matter-

Essay I wrote below:

~~~~~~~~

Hey, dad. Can I read you something I've been meaning to say for a long time?

Dear dad,
    I feel it's time to talk. I'm no longer young and irrational. I'm capable of rational thought, no matter how stupid everyone thinks I am. I've been thinking about this for a long time and I ask that you let me read this without interruption. Thanks.
    I am extremely unhappy here. Each day I can feel the depression and anxiety increasing. I get anxious whenever I'm in this house. This is the only place I get insomnia. I sleep like a baby anywhere else. Among other things, I don't like how many physiological problems I've got in this house.
    And you all make me feel like trash. Whenever I show you guys something, you barely glance at it before you forget about it. As you may be able to predict, this dampens my mood by a lot.
    I also have minimal human contact. Vanessa always says no when someone asks if I can come over, and you never let me go anywhere during the week. It seems as if you just want to shove it off onto mom. This makes me super socially awkward. Have you ever noticed how much I stutter and mess up when forced to speak in public? This is from my unsocial life. There's a whole other number of things I'd like to cover, but I'll leave that.
    I never see that you care. You'd think I'd see some of that shine through. But it never does. You procrastinate to buy me everything I need, such as shorts, showers, razors. I understand you work, but I'm a living being that needs caring for too.
    On to my next point: you never notice my pain. You never notice my crying. You're dumb enough to believe my fake, happy smile. You never notice that I harm myself because the emotional pain is too great.
    I cry myself to sleep often. When I'm not doing that, I'm sitting there, empty and wondering why I haven't ended it yet.
    You never give me comfort when I'm stressed. You didn't comfort me when Tom died. You didn't give me the thing I've been longing for:
    A hug.
    You never sit down and ask me how school has been. If I'm struggling. You don't notice the pain I'm in.
    That I love my friends more than my family. They are my family. My family is just my friends.
    My best friends mom is more of a parent to me than you will EVER be.
    I hope you realize how unhappy I am, and possibly allow me to leave the suffering and harm behind. My best friend would certainly take me in and give me a loving family.
    I know you're going to say life isn't all unicorns and rainbows. I know.
    Believe me.
    I know.

    Thanks for listening. Take into consideration that I want to get away from here.

~~~~~~~

I'm quite proud of it. Maybe he'll think about it a little.. but then probably forget lol..

Ya know!

The usual!