Somewhere, Today

85

Song for the chapter: Beautifully Unfinished by Ella Henderson (PLEASE LISTEN TO THE BEAUTY THAT IS THIS SONG.)

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"Sunday, rain drops, clock goes tick tock,

I hate myself for staring at the phone.

Kept all your texts, can't erase them."

The past week has been a string of ruthless but sentimental goodbyes. I've taken time to hang out with the guys, to tell them about everything and how in a few months I'll be on my way out. It emotionally drained me, but part of me is happy that I was able to say goodbye without wanting to break down at the same time.

I nearly melted in Liam's arms, afraid that maybe we'd never get to be in the same city ever again after I leave. Everything is falling into place, even as a few things are falling and hitting the ground and breaking in the process. Niall even began crying, and of course I followed suit.

That night was probably the most painful goodbye so far, but then again I haven't truthfully said goodbye to Harry, and I'm imagining that it will rip me apart. Harry asked me to call him when I leave, but what if it's too painful to see his face one last time before I'm gone. I want him there, but I also need him to stay here, to keep living his life.

Kristina has been packing up the apartment for us, her organizing skills desperately needed for this. We blast our music through the apartment as we pack our life in Texas in brown boxes, tears threatening to spill every time i find something that correlates to my mom and her life.

I've already planned on visiting her grave one last time, just to say goodbye again before I leave. New York was never her plan for me, and that's purely because it had always been dad's and I's plan. She hated that she didn't want that for me, that she wanted me to stay in our big, white house forever. It was a house of lies, and no one ever truly knew it's horrors like I did.

Texas brings back all of the good and the bad, the broken hearts and the deaths, the beatings and the fights. I've fought wars here, losing and winning some. Kristina survived the loneliness, survived her battle with the fact of being alone.

It's painful, holding onto the bad memories that ultimately shaped you into who you are today. I still feel the sting of every insult, the beat of each broken heart, the touch of his kiss against my lips at a party; I still feel all of it all over.

I remember the frat parties so distinctly, a place where Harry first showed his colors, his vulnerabilities. It was also the place where Harry lied, where he made promises that now he will end up keeping forever. It was where I met Macy, a woman who was trying to defend herself against the poisonous snakes around her. They all sat in a perfect circle, all of the people with the most imperfect lives.

And I can still see the heartbreak of seeing Harry in said circle, a girl on his lap amidst his secret return from home. It feels as though now I'm watching it from the outside, as if I'm myself, wiser and older watching my naive facade crumble in front of him. That night was full of moments that I can never bring myself to forget, a night laced with unfortunate endings and heart aches.

I know I shouldn't hold on, that I should just let go of all the bad from the past, but I can't and I won't. If I just push the past aside then I will forget who I was in that moment. I was afraid, bruised, beaten to the core, but I was also strong, focused, and independent.

Kristina missed these moments of my life, the parts where I so desperately needed her to save and carry me just like she had done with David. I needed to hear her tell me how strong I'd been, how proud she was that I was doing it all alone. I'd tell her the same thing in the end, hoping for her to believe it as well.