photograph [h.s]

note

there comes a time in your life when you feel completely misunderstood. it's bound to happen, that someday, you shall feel lonely, confused and forgotten by the world.
the might come a time in your life when you cry yourself to sleep every night. where you just feel so damn sad for no reason at all, just the fact that you feel so empty at times.
there might come a time in your life where all you want to do is be alone because talking about your feelings with someone just makes you overthink and feel stupid about yourself.
but there might also come a time in your life when the darkness will finally end. it might be another person; or it might be yourself that will help you see the light there is in the darkness.
because life, just like a piano, is made up of both darkness and light.
a piano has black and white tiles.
darkness and light.
both make music.
and that is life.
life is crying yourself to sleep one day and laughing your ass off the next.
life is appreciating every little detail one moment and wanting nothing but to escape reality the next.
every day, our life is made up of good and bad.

i started writing this story in june of 2016. i was in a really bad place at that moment, mentally at least.
i was convinced i would never be happy again.
most of the original story was written on sleepless nights where i hid in the bathroom so nobody could hear me cry.
three years later, i found the original version and rewrote it and edited it to publish it here. sometimes the words i had written didn't even make sense, since i had written them while being drunk on sadness; to say the least.

even though this story does not have a happy ending, it's the most meaningful and intimate story i have written.
somehow, it's a proof of how far i've come. it's a proof that every day was a fight for me, a fight i won.
and i am still fighting, and i still get sad, and i still want to end everything.
but my life goes on. even if no one actually knows what i went through and my road to recovery, this is an achievement for my own recognition.

i may not be entirely proud of who i am
today, but i am happy i'm not where i used to be.

i want you to know that you are not alone. probably heard it a million times and still feel lonely as fuck, but you truly aren't.
so many people struggle. so many people feel sad.
someone actually understands how you feel.
i want you to know that you're in this world because you are needed. even if it's for something as simple as making a stranger smile, you are needed.
please don't end it.
please know God has a plan for you.
please know you're loved.
please know you have an amazing life waiting up for you, and this is just a bad chapter of it.
please, please don't give up.

i want to remind you that mental health is as important as physical health.
take some time for yourself. play your favorite music. light a candle. breathe in and out and remember; everything's going to be okay.

there might not be a harry in your life; someone who comes around to save you.
and that's okay.
you've got yourself. you've got a beautiful, strong, and brave person to work on and be proud of.
because remember; loving yourself is life's greatest revolution.

lastly, i want to dedicate this to him.
the boy that made me stare at the ceiling countless nights. after almost four years, you still have most of my heart.
maybe a book is too much, or just enough, just like my feelings for him.

thank you for taking the time to read this. this was longer than the entire book lmfao.
you are so loved.
you got this.
xx
bluejay.