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There is something about those two lines that is so terribly exciting. You need to shout it too the world. So phenomenally awesome that you have a bounce in your step.
Then you think about your past. Way back when you saw these lines for the first time. And pure unadulterated fear sets in. You're so scared you have another miscarriage. You feel vulnerable. You feel nervous.
Then you can't help but remember the little miracle that happened the 3rd time around:
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He's going to be 3 in August. Our miracle baby.
Then immediately excitement fills you up to the brim again. You're scared and nervous, but you can't wait. You're thinking about names. You're dreaming a whole life for this little speck in your abdomen.
Then you stop. Then you remember the first time you built castles in the clouds. The first time you dreamed up a life. The first time it all came crashing down around you. The first time you felt like a piece of you was getting ripped away from you.
Then you think about the date. It's Mother's day. And you smile and feel warm and fuzzy. What better time to find out that you're expecting than on the one day of the year we celebrate mothers. You go back to feeling excited. You go back to feeling ecstatic. Such a wonderfully enchanting day.
And before you know it, your thoughts spiral down. Back to the loss. Back to the heartbreak.
I honestly just want to be happy. But I'm too scared to be happy.
And this is the rollercoaster I am bound to ride for the next couple of weeks... Maybe months... And I hate it.
