part time cupid

one- the boy no one wanted

my name is shawne, except most people think it's "shaun", or "shawn", or "sean".

i don't even understand that last one, i just read it as see-an. it makes no sense. but i guess a name like shawne doesn't make much sense either.

if i knew who gave me that name, i might ask them why they chose that name for me. i never met my parents, all i know is that they didn't want me and gave me away. maybe i was too small, maybe it was the spots on my face, maybe it was my gender, something that made them look at me and shake their heads in disapproval.

i spent my growing years being tossed around, from one family to another, none of them ever wanting to keep me around. some of them probably never even knew my name. they never got attached to me and i never got attached to them.

i got used to spending most of my days outside of whatever house i was living in at the time. i wandered around different neighborhoods, looking at houses, counting the number of them on each street. i would wonder who was inside of them. maybe a family of four, a mom, a dad, and two daughters, sitting at the dinner table and laughing. maybe a man, sitting at his desk and typing away at his computer on dating sites, looking for someone to share his empty house with. maybe an old couple, just sitting on the sofa, holding hands and watching old movies no one remembers anymore, reliving their younger years.

once, nine years ago, while i was living with a family who had three kids, we had sat down at the table to eat dinner. one of the kids asked "who's that?" pointing at me. his mother simply replied "shawne", to which the kid responded "when is he leaving?". the mother glanced at me. "soon".

that night i climbed out the window, ran to the park a few blocks down, and before i could catch my breath i jumped onto the swings and swung furiously. i pumped my arms and my legs until i was sure i would wrap the chains around the bar of the swing set. i looked at the moon and swung with my eyes closed, hoping i could fly off and land on the moon. tears were making their way down my cheeks when my sweaty hands slipped and i fell off the swings. when i opened my eyes i wasn't on the moon. i was on the gravel floor of the playground with blood staining my knees and arms. i slowed my breaths and stood up, looking up at the moon once more.

that night, nine years ago, i realized that no one wanted me, and no one would ever want me, and there was nothing i could possibly do about it.

that was the last time i ever cried.