part time cupid

three- diagnosis

it had been a week since my encounter with blue scarf boy. i thought maybe his scarf gave me some sort of disease, since my stomach constantly felt nauseous and my chest felt tight ever since then. especially when i thought about him, i had to squeeze an ice cube to keep my breathing regular. 

i sat on the floor of the empty kitchen, a cold puddle of melted ice in my left hand, biting my lip and my eyes closed. i thought about asking to see a doctor, but if my new "family" thought i was dying they would probably just let me. okay that was a lie. this new family wasn't entirely horrible. there was a mom, a dad, and a daughter. the mom cooked nice food and she asked everyone about their day at dinner, including me. the daughter sometimes said hi to me if we crossed paths in the hallway. the dad left me alone for the most part, but it wasn't like he was ignoring me. it felt more like he was giving me my space. i was fine with that, he had no obligation to talk to me, and i none to him. 

my eyes opened and i saw the daughter standing in front of me. alicia, i think. i let out a small squeak of surprise when i saw her. she had her long brown hair tied into messy pigtails and was holding a book. she looked at me expressionless. 

"what are you doing?" she asked. 

"i'm..." i looked at my wet hand. "i'm not-"

"ice cubes, huh?"

i blinked. "yeah, they- they cool me down."

"oh." she sat down cross legged and set her book down between her knees. "i use them more to numb me. y'know... when i can't numb my feelings i just numb my senses."

"i think i'm sick." i blurted out.

she raised an eyebrow. "like, you have a cold?"

i shrugged. "something like that."

"well let's hear. mom wants me to become a doctor, so tell me. what are your symptoms?"

i wiped the water off my palms on my jeans. 

"i think i have a disease."

"how exotic, do go on."

"well. i feel this queasiness in my stomach all the time. my head spins. my breathing gets weird. and i've been seeing... images."

alicia inched closer. "hallucinations?"

"sort of, i guess." i shrugged. 

"explain." 

i thought about last night when i laid awake in bed. i was counting the stains on the ceiling when my mind wandered off and played an image in my head. it was like those old projectors that you have to put the rolls of film in and press a button to make it whir, and then the pictures show up on a screen, all grainy and sporadic. my eyes closed and i could still see the moving pictures, something big with several limbs, some sort of creature. another one of the creatures moved into the frame, this one different, they both had five legs, but this new one was smaller, the legs thinner, and it was sprinkled with small spots. the creatures were fighting, their limbs getting tangled together as they lunged towards each other. it looked like the bigger one was eating the one with spots. it all happened so slowly. and then i realized the creatures weren't creatures at all. they were hands. the spots... freckles. that was my hand. holding hands with...

"i don't know, i see pictures but i don't know what they are."

she hummed. "okay, so we've got queasiness, head aches... and the ice cubes?"

"warm. i feel warm." i had doubled in temperature after remembering about the "hallucination" last night.

"and when did this start?"

i could smell the wet leaves and feel the blue scarf all over again. 

"some guy's scarf flew onto my face. it might have had some disease that i got."

alicia seemed to have a moment of realization.

"a guy."

"yeah."

"describe him, please."

where do i start? "he was tall... ish."

"...and?"

"and... he had blue eyes. but one of them was a little green. just a little. like a star at night that shines a bit brighter than the rest. he had big callused hands, although the rest of him seemed so soft. his voice sounded like wind chimes."

alicia was staring intently at me.

"and he was tall." i concluded.

alicia scoffed. "shawne- it's shawne right?"

i nodded.

"have you ever liked a girl?"

i widened my eyes. "i mean, i've met some nice girls."

"no, no, have you ever had a crush on a girl?"

"i can't say that i have. i've never really had a crush on anyone." i admitted.

alicia looked at me like i was a lock, and she was trying to figure out the number combination to unlock me.

"when you first met this guy, did you by any chance have a really fast heartbeat?"

i was taken aback. "yes, actually."

"did you forget how to talk? did your palms get sweaty?"

i nodded, shocked.

with each word, alicia seemed to relax, as if she was figuring out the combination for the lock.

"i think we have a diagnosis." she finally said. the lock had been unlocked.

"what is it?" i asked panicking, "am i going to die?"

she chuckled. "hardly. you're in love."