part time cupid

four- is this what hurt feels like

as normal, i spent another sleepless night staring at the ceiling.

although this time, my mind wasn't full of flashing images or a highway of thoughts.

i was calm, i was like those hour glasses full of oil, that look like little colorful bubbles are trickling down the ramps like a waterfall. i was calm, but i didn't feel calm. if alicia was right, and i was in love, that could be really bad news for me. like i said, no one could ever love me. and if i loved someone who would never return the feelings, i would just suffer.

when the images of blue scarves and blue eyes came back, all i could see was red.

the next day he passed me in the school hallway.  he didn't even see me. just kept on walking, bag in one hand and staring at his phone in the other. i had hardly 5 seconds to register it was him, but of course out of the hundreds of kids crowding the hallway, he was the one i saw. i felt as red as the day i met him, but a different red. that red had been nice and warm and pleasantly confused. this red has hurt, betrayal, regret, and confusion. but definitely not a pleasant confusion. not like the confusion when you wake up from a long nap and you don't know where you are. the confusion of being told one thing your entire life and then realizing it's all a lie. 

i slammed my locker shut and ran outside to the back of the school. i curled up into a ball on the asphalt and rocked back and forth. i bit my lip to hold back tears, even though i knew they wouldn't fall. my fingernails scraped anxiously against the ground. my hair was falling forward, covering my face.

"are you okay?"

i gasped, stopping all movement and whipped my head up to lock eyes with-

"are you crying?"

i swallowed the lump in my throat and managed to croak out a word.

"no."

he knelt down in front of me and smiled kindly.

"okay good. what's wrong? why are you out here on the floor?"

i breathed out through my mouth slowly.

"i just- i saw someone i didn't really want to see." i didn't know why i was telling this person the truth, but there it was, coming out of my mouth like it was a mind of it's own.

"oh. i'm sorry to hear that." he sounded so gentle. he reached over and took my hand. my mind instantly replayed that one image i had with the two hands.

i swallowed the lump in my throat which had come back up again. i shakily wrapped my hand around his and looked down.

"what's your name?" he asked.

i opened my mouth to speak, but he reached over and brushed the hair out of my face. his gentle smile suddenly disappeared.

"oh. it's you."

my heart fell as those words so effortlessly rolled off his tongue.

"what?"

he shook his head and let go of my hand.

"you're a guy."

i stammered for words. what was he talking about?

"sorry" he continued. "i thought you were a girl" he laughed bitterly.

"what does that even-"

"look kid." he said, standing up and fishing around in his pocket. "i'm not into dudes."

he pulled out what he was looking for, a small rolled up piece of paper. he put it in his mouth and walked off, turning around the corner and not looking back, his blue scarf trailing behind him.