Labels Don't Define Me

4

'Standing naked infront of that hotel bathroom mirror, in her dysphoria's reflection, she still saw her mother's son'

Triggers:
Eating disorder behaviour

I groan and check the time; 03:42. I always wake up during the night. I sit up and groan again, cracking my neck. I would normally just try to get back to sleep, but my throat is sore. I force myself out of bed and feel myself ghost along the hallway to the kitchen. I flick on the light switch and scrunch up my face at the sudden light. As my eyes adjust, I walk over to the cupboard to get a glass.
Running water. For some, it might sound calming. It might remind them of a stream or perhaps the beach. For me, however, it sounds chaotic. It reminds me of the deep, deep ocean, so far out where I could scream and cry and no one could hear me. It reminds me of rushing waterfalls, so loud that you can't talk near them, filling your ears with water angryily tumbling down the cliff. I don't like water. It scares me. I shiver, quickly closing my eyes and take a sip. I soon finish the whole glass and head back to bed.

***

'Eliiiiiiiiiza! Wake up!' My little sister, Summer, bounds into my room. 'Upedy up! Mum says you're gonna be late!'

By the time I'm off to school, Summer is usually still asleep as her school starts an hour later than mine. 'Alright alright I'm coming'. I yawn, stretch and grab my phone from the floor. PJ has already texted me.

Peejypops:
Daaaaaaaan!!! You better be at school today, I have something to show you.

Dan:
Dickhead. You could've woken me up!

Peejypops:
Nah bruh, you always put your phone on silent at night. Don't play shit with me :p

Dan:
Fuck you. And fuck off. And yes. I'll be at skool. But I'll be a bit late.

Peejypops:
You're terrible haha

***

I run into my English class and everyone looks up at me. Mrs Jones raises her eyebrows at me. She's sitting on her desk without shoes on, reading Brave New World to the class, 'Sup Howell? I already sent the roll in, did you sign in at the office?' I nod and hand her a slip of paper. She motions for me to sit down. I feel everyone staring at me, so in the spare of the moment, I finger guns Mrs Jones. I hear unattractive snorts come from the back of the room, I see PJ holding his nose and laughing into his hand. Two seats over from PJ, Phil sits, looking amused. I take my spot between them.

'That was a trainwreck.' PJ whispers to me.

'Shut up.'

'Your mum.'

'What'd you want to show me?'

PJ grabs a little, dirty garden gnome out of his bag. I stare at it. Then raise my eyes to see PJ grinning,

'I named him Dave Murray.'

I look back down at the gnome's rosy cheeks. Perfect. 

***
I groan in annoyance of the sound of Summer bouncing up and down the hallway, consequently waking me up. It's finally the weekend. I check the time; 09:56. I sit up and shoot PJ a message.

Dan:
Oi Peej, we still hanging out today?

Peejypops:
Duh. Yours or mine?

I bite my lip. PJ's house has his nuts mother who sometimes throws cups at us. But my house is...well...my house. Boring. Plus his mum is fun when she's being nice. Just as I write a reply, another text from PJ comes in.

Peejypops:
We should invite Phil.

I bite my lip again. I like Phil. We've been getting along and I'm open to considering being his friend, but hanging out with us on the weekend? To be fair, all we would do on the weekend with just PJ and I is sit and listen to music and then head up the street to busk for a few hours, hoping to get some change. I sigh.

Dan:
I mean sure I guess idk

Peejypops:
We don't have to, just a suggestion. Also, you're eating today. You can't back out of it. Min one piece of fruit and a drink with actual calories in it.

I furrow my eyebrows in frustration. I know PJ just wants to keep me safe, but how am I supposed to lose weight like this? I need to lose my curves and my breasts, otherwise I'll never look masculine. I feel myself begin to panic. I close my eyes and clench my free fist, opening and closing it over and over until my joints feel normal again.

Dan:
Fine. But I am NOT eating infront of Phil; he must already think that I'm fucking repulsive.

There it is. That word again. Annoyed, I hit send and wait for PJ's response.

Peejypops:
Fine. Come to my place first, eat something - no purging and then we'll meet Phil up the street. Okay?

Comprise. PJ is good at convincing me to do things. I love him and I don't want to let him down.

Dan:
Alright. I'll be over in fourty.

***

As PJ lies on his bed with his guitar, I sit next to him, chucking an apple from hand to hand. 'Why an apple? You know I'm allergic to these things. It'll make me puke regardless.'

'That's true, but we don't have anything else. Unless you want bread with cheese.'

My eyes widen. Bread. Fuck no. Cheese. Fuck no. I'm just going to have to try to keep it down. I quickly bite into the apple; not a big bite, but enough for PJ to give me a sad smile. He looks up at the ceiling, strumming Comfortably Numb by Pink Floyd lazily.

Maybe today won't be so bad. I close my eyes and take another bite of my apple; tears thawing my cold cheeks.

A/n
Uhhh sorry about not updating yesterday. You now have a long chapter instead. I'm going through a bit of a rough patch blah blah blah nope. Enjoy.