Lost Love (Bucky Barnes/ Winter Solider fanfiction)

Chapter 12

The first two days were spent listening and recording as The target, Alois Libert, basically snitched on himself running his mouth a mile a minute. They knew things they needed to know and things they preferred to forget. (y/n) sat on the floor under the window listening to Alois through a headset. Bucky was napping. (y/n) was honestly tired of this guy she had to keep pressing record and stop because he always got off topic and spoke of something else like his fiancé or many mistresses. Very annoying and disgusting.

Bucky rolled over on his side facing (y/n). He didn't know why or what they were but he got a sudden rush of feeling one could be described as relief the others had no description but felt familiar and like they belong. These feeling urged him to smile but he held it back fought against it and just watched her. He knew she knew he was watching her but she said nothing continued on listening through the bastards through bugs.

"I have a memory of you," Bucky said (y/n) looked up at this new information. He had a memory of her was it a good memory? was it a memory of their relationship? of their love? Did he finally remember her? " we're in a tree or on a hill... I don't remember... there's a little boy in my space no older than 11 or 12 he has dirty blond hair and Brown eyes. He was in my scope you leaned in my ear and whispered 'Now" and I pulled the trigger"

The room felt quiet as Bucky finish talking he sat up against the headboard looking down at his hands that killed a child.

"we didn't regret that day. That was the mission we did not regret" (y/n) said as she studied Bucky's face his reaction is that the only thing he remembered or the only memory he was focused on.

"we killed a child. I killed a child" he looked down at his hand in horror.

"no, we didn't"

"yes we did, he was in my scopes and -"

"As you pulled the trigger a man walked into view and got a headshot ... we saved that little boy his name was Raibert, I called him Riley, and we saved him. He now lives in Germany as a teacher he has two daughters and a wife. He goes by Riley now... We saved him and he started a family ... you killed no child you saved one and that child started a family"

"I didn't kill him?" Bucky asked

"No... I wouldn't have let you" (y/n) said returning to listening to Alois spill trade secrets.

"How do you know all of this? How do you know he survived?" Bucky asked

"I remembered his name. I remember all of the survivors' names. I made a list and once a week I check a name and see what Happen to them. Some of the survivors' and lived normal lives, some haven't coped well and have been on the run, and others died."

"I don't remember names. I remember faces, places, last words... not names they weren't important at the time" (y/n) watched as Bucky looked conflicted for a moment as if after all these years he was actually trying to remember ad it was a struggle.

" If you want ... when we get back I could show you the list... we can keep looking together. I mean if you want to you don't have to if you don't want to. Just forget about -"

"I'd like that very much. Thank you" (y/n) stopped her rambling and looked up at Bucky. He was on the edge of the bed now he was looking at her in a different way than usual or recently it was a look she hadn't seen in a last 8 years it was trust complete trust. With the way things were going she never thought she'd see it again but here it was on the edge of a hotel bed. This was progress this was the progress Steve was talking about this is what they wanted. Maybe their future was brighter even if not together.

"I have another one"

Bucky moved sitting on the floor with her " another memory... you stabbed me three times. What was that about?" (y/n) laughed a bit at the memory. It was the beginning.

"It was the first day we meet. It was the beginning. You were supposed to train me we started with knives that day. I didn't know what I was doing, you did. You showed me stance then came at me. Got you three time. At first, I was happy I got you I was alive my heart still beating but then I saw you bleeding all the happiness flew out the window .. you were bleeding I thought Oh god what have I done. You got up nodded then left".

Bucky rung his hands struggling to ask a question that was on the tip of his tongue. She knew what it was.

"15. But I healed quickly" she answered the unasked question. Bucky nodded taking in this new information.

All this time he thought of her one way but she was the other way. The whole time he was thinking she was a bad person who willingly did everything when she slipped up they got her and, no she wants revenge. But she was genuine, nice, and kind-hearted she wasn't a menace to society, unlike a certain web-slinger. She was just a runaway who ran far from home. Bucky closed his eyes and leaned back he took a few deep breathes clenching and unclenching his fist.

" is there more I should know?"

"do you want to know more?"

It seemed that (y/n) had the abilities to fill in most of the blanks in his memory and even if Bucky didn't want the memories he surely needed them. He needed closer and he needed to know what he did wrong in order to find that closer. (y/n) could give him memories she could give him detail that at the time not even he could see. She had the missing pieces of the puzzle in his head. In reality in actually Bucky was missing one piece and (y/n) was it the one and only missing piece. But their years apart and his struggles lead him to believe there was more than one broken piece which in turn lead him to forget.

" I need to know more" (y/n) sighed reaching for is metal hand she gave it a gentle squeeze.

" I was 14 when we first meet. You trained me... we went on a few missions together then we become (Lovers) partners. We were (inseparable)irreplaceable. We worked together (took care of each other.) My mind was never erased ( I always remembered). Um, I kept journals about every time you had a breakdown or remembered something. I wanted you to remember your past ( remember us)"

Everything (y/n) said had a double meaning that Bucky didn't seem to catch. One of a friend helping a friend and another a lover begging for love. (y/n) struggled with the next set of words on her tongue should see say them? She liked the look on his face now the look of realization, appreciation, and care. If she said something now it would change but to what a look of guilt, sadness, pity, pain, anger, hate, horror? what would his new face be? She decided to swallow her words save them for another time or bury them for eternity. Either way, they would not be spoken that day.

"Питомца (Pet) ... That's what you use to call me" Bucky was confused

"why would I called you that?"

"I don't know. But that's what you called me... and I liked it" (y/n) looked down at her lap.

"well Питомца (Pet) ..." he said giving her hand a little squeeze " we have a mission to finish".