i like to burn things

dear father

i cant help
but look at my friends fathers
look at my uncles
look at fathers who love their children
and want to trade you for someone else

where were you
when i was scared alone in my room
the first time you left me alone
when i was 5 years old

where were you that day when you didn't tell me you left
when you didn't tell me when you would be home
when you completely forgot to get food
and i starved because there was none in the house
i was five fucking years old
when you did it for the first time

i remember you on your reclining chair
smoking a cigarette
and downing bottle after bottle of beer
i remember you telling me how much of a disappointment i was
i remember the drunken smell on your breath
and i remember the empty bottles of vodka on floor around your chair

dear father
don't you remember
telling your bulimic daughter
that she was fat and to 'just stop eating'
that summer i weighed 94 pounds
all because i wanted you to be proud of me

dear father
don't you remember
my first game of field hockey that you went to
i tried my best but i wasn't as good as the other girls
but didn't you think before you told me i sucked at the sport
after months of practicing and working myself to the breaking point
that's what i got

dear father
why do you have to treat the woman in your life like shit?
you don't need to beat them and force them to clean your house
i think you're too stuck in the past
to know what to actually do

dear father
you're the reason i'm off the pills
you're the reason i'm in despair
i wish you could just think for a second
and care about me instead of what's at the bottom of the stairs

grow up