girls • lil peep [✔️]

nineteen

i sit up, staring at his shirt that i was going to wear to his memorial service today. it all just seems so surreal, i can't believe that it happened so soon. i knew he would leave someday, but i didn't want it to go so fast. i didn't want him to go so fast.

i get up from my bed, putting the shirt on. it still smelled like him. i look in the mirror, tears brimming at my eyes. i hold them back, grabbing my phone and the writing that i'd prepared to say today.

i arrive at the place where it was being held, walking in and seeing gus's friends. tracy, bex, dylan, nick and horsehead were all there. his mom and grandmother were there too. lily was also here. i didn't recognize anyone else who was here though. i walk over to them, standing with them. i look down at my feet, trying to hold back the tears. i'd already cried my heart out, i don't know how i wasn't dehydrated from crying.

the service starts, and i was supposed to speak after his mom spoke. she said many touching things, spoke about him in school and just him being successful in general. how people always doubted him, how he was an outsider and shit. 

she finishes and i stand up, walking up to the podium as people clap for her.

i sigh, looking down at the paper, fiddling with it.

"i personally didn't know gus for too long. all of this seems like it just came so fast. although i previously met him earlier in the year, the bond we spent together, and the time we spent together will forever be irreplaceable. i can never forget him or the things and times we shared." i say, my voice cracking.

"I was in love with him, to say the least. i enjoyed the time i spent with gus, i wish i could go back. i wish that he was still here, i wish i could've told him one last time how much i loved him.." i plead, tears starting to flow down my cheeks.

"gus was an amazing person. i'd never met anyone more selfless, kind, and non-judgmental in my entire life. i took our time together for granted and now there's no time for us left. i fell in love with him, i saw him for who he was and not what he wore, how much money he had. i didn't ever care or think about the materialistic things that he could give me. i thought about what future i wanted with gus, how i wanted to spend the rest of my life with him." i announce to the crowd, watching as tears gather.

"i remember when he first played me one of his songs. i was amazed, i thought, he was so talented, it was just outstanding. he was a troubled boy, but i tried to help him through that. i wanted the best for gus, always. he would always think of others, he was amazing to listen to. his smile could light up the darkest room. he was like something angelic, i can't even describe it." i sniffle, flipping to the back of the page.

"my heart goes out to every single one of you, we've all lost someone who was so influential to all of us. his music will forever change everything, and it will help him live on through all of us forever. i will never ever forget gus, words truly can't explain what i felt for him, and even worse, what i feel now that he's gone. i say that and it breaks me, i can't believe that this is even happening. someone who i thought would be the love of my life has just so simply slipped away from us. i hope that now he is at peace and will be forever. i hope that gus can find eternal happiness now that he has rested. rest in peace forever,  gustav ahr." i say, balling as i walk off of the stage. the audience clapped, the next person going up to speak.

-

i jolt up out of my sleep, rubbing my eyes. i quickly feel next to me, relaxing when i feel that gus is still next to me,  breathing. i was panicking, scared that the nightmare had actually came a reality.

i would lose my self forever if i ever lost gus.

that made me realize how much i actually cared about him, and how much i loved him and needed him. i could never live with myself if i lost him, i couldn't deal with the pain.

at that moment, that's when i realized that he could be the love of my life.