girls • lil peep [✔️]

thirty

it was a few days after i overdosed. it didn't stop me from doing drugs, only made me want them even more. it brought pain to me knowing that david blamed himself for my overdose, and that gus also blamed himself. it made me feel shittier than before.

i wanted to be with gus so bad, but i know it's not good for me and we just won't work together. i've just got to distance myself because i know if i don't then things will only get worse.

i've honestly been focusing on what i want, what's good for me. not that drugs is the best thing but it's what interests me, what i want.

i dyed my hair red because i didn't have anything else to do and i honestly got tired of it being black. i just want change, i want things to be different. maybe one day i could move on from all of this, get a job, have children and get married. it was always one of my dreams growing up, but lately it just seems like a fantasy.

i stand up from the side of my bed, walking to my closet. i grab a pair of leggings and a baggy sweatshirt that gus gave me, throwing it on. it still smells like him. it was oddly comforting, i enjoyed it.

i grab the pill bottle next to my bed, taking out three bars and swallowing them. i hadn't  really been doing coke or anything like that, i've been into drugs that sedate me instead of make me wanna go jump around and do crazy shit.

i lay down on my bed, turning over on my side. i scroll through my phone, going on instagram. i look at things that people have tagged me in, most of them being pictures of me and gus. i lock my phone, not wanting to think of him anymore.

i never really had anything to do, i've been so lonely lately and it's sucked. i used to enjoy being away from everyone, but after hanging out with david for so long it just felt wrong being by myself.

you'd think that after me overdoing for the millionth time that people would want to be around me and make sure i was okay, but no. it was the complete opposite. i felt like nobody wanted to be near me, and i felt like i had no one at all here for me. it was honestly one of the worst feelings ever.

i hear my phone ringing and i sluggishly pick it up, having such low energy from the pills i just took. i look at the caller ID and it says david which makes me immediately pick it up.

"david! hey." i say excitedly. "hey scarlet, i was calling to see if you wanna go out tonight. i know we haven't seen each other in a little while and i miss hanging out with you a lot" he says, and i tell him yes.

"of course, i'd love to go out with you and everyone else. i'm just gonna go take a nap because i'm hella tired i just popped some pills but i'll text you when i'm up. just be here around like 9ish?" i say, bringing the huge comforter over my body.

"yea i'll see you then, bye scarlet." he says, ending the call. i was glad that he wanted to hang out with me, because i'd missed him.

-
i fell asleep for about six hours, and woke up around seven. i decided to eat something then i would go get ready.

i go downstairs to the kitchen, seeing that we really don't have any food so i decide to call an uber eats. i got kids meal from mcdonald's because i wasn't that hungry, i just wanted to have some sort of food on my stomach.

it finally got here and i ate, looking at the time. it was seven thirty, so i went to take a shower. i turn on my music, turning the water to hot and hopping in.

i wash my hair, my face and my body. i get out and wrap a towel around my body. my phone starts ringing and i pick it up, hearing david on the other line.

"hey i'm gonna pick you up at like nine thirty ight?" he says, and i say that's okay. we end the phone call and i go to my closet to pick out something to wear.

soon enough, i was ready and david had came to pick me up. i got in the front because i didn't know who was in the back, and the front was empty besides david anyways. i reach over the middle and give him a big hug.

"hey david! finally, god i missed you." i say, sitting down. "i missed you too scarlet, a lot." he says while backing out of my driveway.

"so where are we going? i dressed up." i ask, looking at the time on my phone. it was almost ten.

"it's a house party... i thought you'd like it because you like parties. but i'm gonna keep an eye on you to make sure you don't do anything crazy" he says, laughing after his sentence.

"oh, yeah okay that's fine. who's party?" i question.

"just a.. local." he responds, turning up the radio. we rode down the traffic filled streets until we turned into a neighborhood that was lit up with fancy street lights.

we finally pull up to a house with people flowing inside of it. there were cars parked a mile back, i'm guessing they were all going here.

me, david and the two others got out of the car and walked up the cobblestone driveway to the two glass front doors that were already open.

i walk in, quickly straying away from david. i saw people who mostly looked familiar, but some i didn't quite recognize.

the song off white vlone by lil baby and gunna was on and everyone was dancing and just having a good time together. i wish i could still be like that. i feel like ever since gus left me i just haven't been the same, but maybe it's for the better.

sometimes i think back to how things were before everything. before gus, before the drugs, anything. like everything bad that had ever happened to me never happened. but then, i realize that i can't go back and i have to live with these decisions.

i'd completely zoned out and i hadn't even realized it.  i look up, having to do a double take. my eyes flashed at what i saw. it was him.

there stood gus, lighting a blunt with smoke puffing out. he was standing with tracy, and emma was with him. i stand up, moving away from the middle of everything and kind of going off to the side, hoping that nobody saw me.

i lean against the wall, staring blatantly at the sloppy and drunk people dancing and shouting. i wondered why gus was here, or who he was with, if he was with anyone at all.

i look back over to where he was standing to see that his eyes were burning holes into me. we make uncomfortable eye contact for a split second and i shift away.

i bump into someone, looking up and realizing who it is. tears rim my eyes and he grabs my arm, dragging me off to the side.

"scarlet," he starts but i interrupt him.

"gus, i can't do this with you, i miss you too much and it hurts too bad." i tell him, trying to get away from him. he only pulls me closer.

"listen to me, i need you. i haven't slept, i haven't eaten, i can't do anything. nothing can get you off of my mind and no matter how hard i try, how many girls i get worn or how many drugs i do or how much i drink until i can't walk, i cant stop thinking about
you." he explains over the music which only makes me cry more.

"gus i-" i start but can't even finish what i'd wanted to say. i was an absolute wreck and i hadn't even been around him for ten minutes. 

i try to stop crying, the fact that we're in public at a party making it worse. gus pulls me close to him and i back away, not wanting to get attached to the familiar feeling that i loved.

"i can't do this with you gus, i just can't- my trust will never be the same for you." i say, sobbing as i walk out of the crowded aroma and away from the situation.