REAH'S DIARY

9. Full

I don't know why I feel this way. I just wanted to live a normal happy life, I just wanted to be HAPPY. Growing up, thinking that life will always be revolving around daisies and unicorns may seem so unreal now that I've grown. Realizing the cruelties of human nature, how people make you feel.

How the world sees you. That just brings me down. I just wanted to be happy, was it too much to ask? Was being happy such a selfish wish that I couldn't even recieve just a pinch? Was I being too oversensitive with my feelings? Why am I hurting this way?

Why am I hurting to the point that I just want to bury myself in bed all day. To not face any human contact. So that I could just stop pretending that I was listening when inside I was asking myself on when I could get out.

But I tell myself maybe, just maybe. If I give another day a chance, maybe I'll change perspective? Maybe if I stay for a few hours, for a few minutes, seconds. That someone could love me. Someone could hug me and kiss my forehead to tell me that everything was fine.

Or maybe, I wasn't cut out to be an older sibling. Maybe I wasn't too responsible enough, wasn't compassionate enough to even be one. I always doubt myself, but how can you avoid it? How can you stop?

I want someone to notice, to maybe ask where the silent tears came from, where the muffled sobs originated from. Where my painful soul floated from. I just wanted someone to grasp to.

Now I felt my stomach full, not full from food. But filled with the painful emotions that I've been supressing.

When can I be okay?