𝑺𝒐𝒖𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒓𝒏 𝑪𝒐𝒖𝒓𝒕𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒑 ▷ 𝑵𝒆𝒈𝒂𝒏

• Southern Courtship ; 21 •

Month One
Day 17
In the beginning, I was always on edge. I knew that it could only be the result of my relentless self-training from over the years, but nonetheless it always made me apprehensive. Like the negative Nancy I was, I kept telling myself that something would have to go wrong eventually. I wasn't sure if it was my defense mechanism, or just my solid intuition, but I felt it in my bones that living here wasn't going to be my greatest moment. I felt weak here, reduced to being a stay at home wife - for lack of a better term, instead of being with my family where I belong. I really tried to remain as positive as it was possible. I even tried meditation, for God's sake. Every morning I made my rounds around the perimeter. I killed off any stragglers with my blades, and kept a close eye out for any humans - though just as threatening. A little over a week had passed since Negan left. I found myself wishing for the things I knew I couldn't possibly have, but that didn't stop me from begging God for them. It was that superficial hopefulness that managed to carry me even throughout the worst of days.

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Month Two
Day 69
I used to think that women that made the decision to have children in this shitty world were all as dumb as a sac of rocks. Turns out I was very wrong. I didn't know for a long time that I was pregnant. I had gone before with an irregular cycle, so at first, it didn't strike me as there being a child inside of me, merely a change in menstruation. So it seems that Negan had impregnated me 69 days ago, the very last night we had spent together. Somehow, in a slip of the mind kind of way, it made sense. In the spur of the moment, we hadn't used a condom, and he didn't pull out like he had many times in the past. I guess I should've expected this. It was just like me to get pregnant in a time where I had no one around, and no possible way to get rid of it. At the start, I was angry with myself for letting it happen, I hated myself for being put in this situation, for promising that I would stay here; for loving Negan, for being dead in the eyes of my family; for being alone and scared again. It was all so new for me, I never imagined having a child during a time like this, so I forced myself not to want them. I made myself hate children, all because I never wanted to raise them in this. I had no one but myself to gaurentee the survival of my child. I had absolutely no one. That was what opened my eyes to my baby. It made me realize that this kid was going to need me more than anyone else in the world. I couldn't not protect him or her.

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Month Three
Day 98
My motherly bond only grew from there. I started visualizing what he or she would look like. Would they have Negan's green eyes, or my brown ones? His stringy hair, or my curls? It was this game of possibilities that made my heart beat with a newfound inclination. I was excited, knowing I could just hold him or her in a few months. It brought tears to my eyes, staying this way - happy with no other regards but the life of my child. I knew somewhere deep down in my soul that Negan wasn't going to ever come back to this place. Eventually my senses came back to me though, and my negativity surfaced. No matter how deeply I wished we could, I knew that as time went by, we couldn't have some fairytale life together. We couldn't raise our child in some happy go lucky fantasy. This was real life and now, being able to finally feel and see my stomach beginning to protrude, I felt desperate for human interaction. Of course it made me feel so elated, seeing my baby getting so big, but being alone with no one to talk to but the baby wasn't always good for my loneliness. I had become so passionate about what I was feeling about my child, but at the same time, I became more aware of the risks of having a baby in general. Staying here alone, giving birth alone, I didn't want to risk that. I know I promised Negan I would stay here, but I was scared of all the things that could go wrong if I did. I needed a doctor. I needed someone that could help me, but first, I needed a plan. No way would I put my child in any harm if at all avoidable, but if I didn't make it back, I feared that my baby may suffer the consequences.