The three boys were sitting cross-legged, with controllers in their hand, on the wooden floor in the yellow painted room.
It was already thursday, which was better known as the weekly gaming day of Chris, Pj and Phil. Even though the black haired one wasn't in the mood to play, he had to agree.
But it was different than usually. It was more silent and the air was filled with unspoken words, no one felt speaking out loud.
Phils lips were closed as well, but questions were buzzing in his head, distracting him over and over again. He just couldn't concentrate on the tv, on the game he was playing, on his fingers, which had to push the right buttons.
He didn't even try to win anymore, he was just asking himself why Dan disliked the two boys next to him and why they disliked Dan.
He still hadn't asked them. He knew they wouldn't lie to him if he'd confront them directly, but he didn't know if the wanted to know it anymore. They had kept it from him for a reason, a reason he couldn't assume correctly.
"Phil!" Pj yelled, elbowing the black haired boy to get his attention.
"Hm?" Phil was a little too deep in thoughts, that he forgot to play.
"Why are you acting so weird lately?"
Lately meant the two days that had passed since Dan and Phil had talked to each other.
"I don't know what you mean" he knew exactly what Pj meant.
It was weird that Phil took the bus to school instead of asking Pj to pick him up. It was weird that he hadn't spoken with them during the breaks and it was weird that he hadn't brought up Dan again.
Pj pulled the sleeve of his red sweatshirt over his hands. He feared Phils possible answer, he feared that Dan might've told him. Told him about their story.
So his eyes shifted between Phil and Chris, who was waiting as well, just a little less afraid.
"Why didn't Dan want to sit next to you in history?"
Pj inhaled sharply.
Dan hadn't told him, but now he had to. He didn't know if he even could. If those words could come out of his mouth.
He hadn't feared anything more in the last three months than this. Nothing was comparable with the situation he was in now, with the subject he had to confront.
"We were friends."
Pj lifted his head, eyeing Chris, who nodded lightly to give is approval.
"Friends?" Phil repeated stunningly.
None of his theories had involved that word.
"Yeah best friends, like Pj and I" Chris said, confusing the black haired boy even more.
"What happened?"
"The accident, we didn't visit him" Pj said obviously ashamed of himself.
"Why?"
The curly haired one sighed. He didn't know what to answer, he didn't really know himself why they hadn't visited Dan.
"It was complicated" Chris said.
Phil rolled his eyes. They lied again, they left him out again.
"Why do you keep lying about it?" Phil wasn't the kind of person that quickly got in rage, but he slowly turned into one.
"I'm not lying! It was complicated!"
"But you're making excuses and talk around it as if I wasn't supposed to know!"
He couldn't stay calm, not this time.
"Because you aren't! You don't know Dan, you don't know anything" Chris gritted.
"Chris" Pj glared at him, shaking his head almost unnoticeable.
"What the fuck do you want to hear Phil?" the shortest one was yelling by now, filled with unsuppressed annoyance and anger.
"Stop lying! Stop making excuses, it's not for the better!" Phil yelled back, fighting the tears that were blurring his vision. "It's not for the better if you keep lying to me!"
Silence filled the yellow painted room with Phils unsteady breathing being the only noise.
Pj and Chris just sat on the wooden floor and stared at him, standing there, furiously wiping away the single tear that made its way down his cheeks.
"Phil what's wrong?"
They didn't know that their little but anger loaded argument had triggered his memories. That he had relived the day he found out about his dad, that all he could hear were the lies and excuses his mother had told him.
"Nothing, I just -" And Phil knew that they had no clue what was going on, so he just sat down again, blinking.
"It's not just about Dan, right?"
And maybe they did know each other, maybe they weren't just strangers.
Phil shook his head, hiding his face in the sleeves of his hoodie.
He felt two arms embracing him and usually he wouldn't have approved the pity he got, but it wasn't pity due politeness or as an appropriate reaction, Pj tried to truly comfort him.
"My mum didn't tell me that my dad had cancer until he died" Phil said when Pj let go of him. He didn't like talking about it, but how could he not tell them if he literally just held a speech about telling the truth.
"I'm sorry" Chris said and Pj nodded lightly. It was almost unbelievable for them that his mum had kept something so important from the black haired boy, that she had lied to him for months.
"It's fine don't worry."
But they were worried, because now they had to tell him. Pj internally debated if it was fair to just expose Dan, if it wasn't his decision whether he wanted Phil to know or not.
It was a miracle that Phil didn't know until now though. The whole school kept talking about it and even if Pj tried to beat up everyone who just mentioned the brown haired boys name slightly, the rumors spread.
And after a year, when Phil transferred to their school, it was almost over. Nobody dared to say anything about the incident of 2017 and now Dan was back and the rumors returned with him.
They've waited for that day for 11 months, but when it suddenly came they weren't prepared - not at all.
Dan was their best friend, for more than 5 years, since the first day of high school. Their friendship survived hour long arguments, big fights, long terms of not speaking to each other, but not that certain incident. An incident that should've bonded them even more.
Whether it was visiting Dan in the hospital, helping him to recover or just calling sometimes, but they didn't do any of those things.
They didn't know why and they didn't want to hide behind stupid excuses, there was no excuse for what they did or, in that case, didn't do.
Pj blamed himself for everything that happened - everyday. And even if his parents or Chris told him that it wasn't his fault, he felt like he could've prevented it.
"He shot himself"
