Chris and Pj obviously didn't talk to Dan that day. They all just brushed the whole topic aside and kept playing pointless video games, not really concentrated.
They all had thousands of thoughts in their mind, keeping them awake for most of the night and still distracting them the next day.
So they didn't really talk during their ride to school together or whilst sitting on the yellow bench before the first period began.
Phil listened to the rumors, hearing the name Dan and suicide in the same sentence more than once, as if everyone knew that he knew.
He probably hadn't heard it before because he wasn't really interested in other peoples chatter, which was kind of paradox considering that Phil had the natural urge to know everything.
But that only applied to everything that he wasn't supposed to know, that was actively kept from him, not pointless rumors he could listen to whenever.
But once again that was just an assumption and didn't explain it plausible. So he turned to Pj, who was equally absorbed by his own thoughts.
"Why do they suddenly talk about Dan?"
"He wasn't interesting enough for a long time" Pj answered sighing "but now that he's back, the rumors slowly return as well and I can't beat up the whole school."
Phil had already figured that he only did that because he wanted to protect Dans secret and repute.
"Now i'll only beat the ones up that dare to talk shit" he chuckled for a second and then the bell rang.
They barely had any courses together, so Phil walked to english alone, greeting some of the other students and sitting down on his usual seat. Everything seemed a little gloomy today and it wasn't just because of the evening the day before.
Phil always felt a little lost in everything, but now it was worse.
On his old school he didn't feel as insecure that often.
He had a few good friends who quickly vanished over the years after Phils dad died. When people started to talk about him, when rumors spread.
That feeling lasted. The insecurity of false friends and the fear of being lost in a place he didn't know, a situation he couldn't control.
Phil was rather with Chris and Pj, who somehow secured that he wasn't on his own and left out and even though they did keep a secret from him, they made him feel okay.
"I'm sorry."
"For what?" Phil asked turning around to see Dan, sitting down next to him.
"For snapping at you on tuesday."
Phil could almost feel Dans loneliness just by looking into his eyes. Did he always seem so sad? So desperate? Or did Phil only notice it because he knew how lonely and sad Dan must've been?
"It's fine, don't worry about it" he smiled at him gently, but stopped when he remembered that Dan wouldn't want his pity. "So we have history and english together?"
"And chemistry and art" Dan added.
"How do you know?" Phil chuckled.
"I might or might've not asked the secretary so I could apologize to you" Dans usually pale skin was now rosy tinted in slight embarrassment.
"You really didn't do anything to apologize for."
Dan smiled, looking away from the black haired boy to grab his binder. He reached for it in his bag, but stopped, looking at his lightly twitching fingers that couldn't get a grip.
Wrong hand.
Dan quickly used his right hand instead and ignored the upcoming thoughts in his head. He was still not used to it, even after months of trying and physiotherapy.
He had to learn how to write again and his handwriting was still unreadable. It frustrated him endlessly, not just his left hand, but his almost equally useless leg, his need to learn everything again.
But he couldn't continue with letting his frustration out on others, specifically not the ones he cared about. It wasn't their fault that he pulled the trigger.
"And you didn't do anything to me being mad about, you just asked about my stupid hand"
Phil looked up, his expression confused but concerned as well.
"I was too curious and you didn't want to talk about it, it was reasonable that you snapped at me," he said shrugging "and don't call your hand stupid."
"It is though. I can barely move it, look" he put his elbow on the desk, trying to get his hand into a fist "it's useless and stupid and -"
Phil put his hand around Dans gently, stopping its rapid twitching.
"Hey" he said, looking at Dan, who regretted his action immediately "It's okay."
Dan felt like crying, like completely breaking down and just sobbing into Phils shoulder. There was no "it'll get better", no "you just need to keep trying" or other empty promises.
Just Phil stating that it was okay.
And Dan would've broken down into sobs, if he hadn't been at school and if he wanted Phil to see him like the suicide attempting loser he was.
But he knew Phil just for five days.
