Storytime With Haybae

June 4, 2018

Note: these are real texts thst I sent. Someday, I will be ready to tell the whole story.

6:19 PM
Hey.

I accept your apology.

I know that now, it's too late, that I should have told you before it was impossible for you to ever find out. But I was just too proud. And I'm not going to blame myself for what you did, because I had reason to be angry. If you hadn't died this morning, I still wouldn't have forgiven you. The fact that you did for doesn't change who you were. I did some things I shouldn't have. But so did you. So has everyone. Just because someone dies doesn't erase what they've done. It only puts it into perspective.

Kylie's going to be okay, eventually. We're going to take care of her. I'm so angry at you for doing this to her. But it doesn't matter now. What matters is that we take care of her, make sure she doesn't cut again.

When I was in the counseling office, holding Kylie's hand and letting her cry on my shirt (it's a shirt you would have hated, very feminist), she kept talking about how she never got to hug you one last time, how you didn't answer her call this morning. She didn't have a fucking clue. Katrina said she had a weird feeling this morning. Christine wondered if you thought about her when you did it, all the times she got mad and was a dick to you. Laila kept asking the counselor if he was sure it was true, that it really happened. Brynn stayed in the bathroom with Ali. Amanda, who you were so horrible to, wouldn't even let me talk to her. She stayed on the phone with Caden. I just sat there, held people's hands, let them draw on my arms, made sure they were okay. I wondered what kind of desperation it takes to destroy so many people.

It was like you set a bomb off. We were sitting at lunch, just living our lives. I was getting my phone out for Amanda, because she was crying. I thought she was just stressed about finals. I didn't know it, but her mom had already told her. She was already crying for you. You, who made her afraid to go to school, because you were so pervy and awful. I could tell something was wrong, something didn't feel right. I looked down for a second, and when I looked up, Faith had told Kylie. She started sobbing, cursing and shaking her head. Everything after that was a hurricane of tears and confusion and people we didn't know asking if we were okay and counselors who all looked the same telling us to write our names down. It was like a bomb went off, and the shrapnel hit Kylie right in the chest. She just caved in,

and we couldn't to anything to make it stop hurting. I just held her hand and talked to her. I asked her if she remembered New York, and the Pride parade in D.C. I reminded her how beautiful it was.

She's at church right now. So is Laila. They're devastated. I'm at home, wondering what to do when the person you hate destroys themself, and the people you love.

7:39 PM
Why did you lie to her?

8:07 PM
She's talking about how she wants the clothes and stuffed animals you said she could have
She misses you already
How the fuck can you do that to someone

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