this holiday forgetting her

chapter II

it happened.

its over.

i knew it was going to happen sooner or later.

but i hoped it would be later.

i'm not taken anymore
i can do anything i want now

but i can't kiss her anymore
i can't call her mine anymore
i can't hold her hand anymore
i can't feel her arm around my waist anymore

a break she said

let it end she said

'we're closer as friends'

'i don't want to hurt you further'

but this was the one thing that hurt me the most, knowing that i wasn't good enough for her, and that she is removing me from her life.

"never mind i'll find someone like you
i wish nothing but the best for you"

a tear leaked from my eye and ran down my face, falling onto my shirt, as I started my 'breakup playlist'. The lyrics of the songs rang through my head and the water works just continued flowing down. i finally truly knew what the lyrics meant, i felt the exact emotions that the songs were supposed to make you feel.

i lay on my bed, tears streaming down, dripping on my clothes and bed sheet causing a puddle of water around my head. (okay that's exaggerated but basically i cried a lot)

it felt like such a good day to cry to sleep
to just let those tears fall down my face and soak the pillow case
listen to sad break up songs and feel my insides fill up with so much emotion that its hard to breathe
i cuddled up in bed with my warm blanket wrapped around me, feeling disappointed in myself.

i regret not finding my small piece of metal, i regret not pushing it into my skin, i don't know why and how i didn't do it at that point but i'm sure i felt like doing it

i think it was the break up message, she said things that were comforting, words like "we can still be friends, if you want" because i may have just lost my girlfriend but i wasn't going to lose my best friend too

all these thoughts and emotions just came out as tears
i just cried and cried, i didn't know what else to do. i just lost someone i loved so freaking much. but stupid me, i still yearned for things to somehow turn out, i felt like there was hope. i really wish there was someone to tell me there and then that things were going to turn out terrible, that i was never gonna get back together with her, that i will never be as close to her as i used to be, but nope, i had to go through a dark road of torture to realise that

/heh sorry its so boringg/