this holiday forgetting her

chapter III

i woke up with swollen eyes (obviously)
feeling dizzy from crying so much last night
but i somehow pull myself together cause i know that i'm leaving for the airport with my family soon
i acted like i was alright, to make sure my sexuality is kept under wraps, because i knew that my parents would not approve
on the way to the airport, i just kept my earpiece in and listened to my 'crying' playlist

she was still on my mind, throughout the flight and more tears came down. i thought i had no tears left to cry (sorry i'm lame) but i was wrong. i still teared, maybe about five times during the 14 hours i was on that plane.

during the flight, i was thinking, if i leave this world during this flight, what would their reactions be? what would my friends do? and, what would she feel?

my thoughts at that point were: i think when you die, thats when you find out what the people that know you actually think about you. whether they care so much about you that they cry for days, or just accept the fact and carry on with their lives.

If i died right now, would i have lived enough? I mean, i've gone through joy, sadness, disgust, anger, curiosity, excitement, annoyance, love, heartbreak, a relationship, cutting, a breakup.
I've had suicidal thoughts, of wanting to die, to just leave the face of earth. but, what if it really  happened, especially now...after last night.

assuming i left, what chaos would those who actually care feel? of course i hope it would be anguish, sadness, grief... would they hold a wake for me and visit me?
if i really happened, and i go to heaven,will i be able to finally read her mind and know what shes feeling?

i kinda want to die... to just leave everything behind and live happily up there everyday. it'll be easier to watch from there, see what my friends are doing, how shes feeling without me...
i wonder
i want to know
i wish to experience it

i didn't die
but i still want to

and finally i was in london, surrounded by the red telephone boxes
i tried to smile, i really did
i tried to forget all the pain but it was too much and i missed the feeling of love
i felt like i was so alone, even though i had these amazing friends, i still felt like i was lacking in 'love'
i stopped myself from crying to sleep every night, knowing that if i did, my parents and siblings would see and that i would have to tell them. i forced the tears back into my eyes, pushing the pain down to my heart
i couldn't help but miss my blades back home, i felt stupid for not bringing them with me, i missed the feeling of the cold sharp metal running along my skin, leaving a mark.
i hoped that it would be over but it was only the beginning of this depressed/emo state i was in

/yay this chapter is longerrr, hope yall have been enjoying this (yall probably have not, it sucks)/