this holiday forgetting her

chapter IV

i plastered fake smiles on my face as much as possible, not wanting anyone to see my true emotions
i hid the scratches, knowing that my family would freak if they saw them
i cried in the toilet, when i was alone with my feelings in a cubicle
i only ever showed my happiness, whether it was real or fake
i told no one about it, i couldn't bear say it out loud, i couldn't text anyone about it
not even my friends, i felt like i wasn't close enough to them, i felt like a huge part of me was missing
but what could i do? i wasn't even at home, in my own country
i built this image that i was alright, this facade that i was doing fine, it didn't feel good to keep all my feelings inside but it was better than telling everyone

my ex and i still texted for the first 2-3 days but after that it was pure silence, our once lively chats become quiet and depressing
then this silence turned into something way worse, we still didn't talk but we indirectly "communicated" through other forms, she started hating on me on her sarahah (its a anonymous message site) but i couldn't even see it because i was blocked from her instagram
the heartbreaking part was that i had to find out from my friends who sent me screenshots, stating that not a single inch of her heart loved me
at this point, my heart was completely bruised and crushed it was like it had fought a war of one versus twenty
and of course i couldn't handle it
my friends tried to comfort me but i don't think they knew how much pain i was in.
life just felt so worthless without her
i wanted to have happiness back
i was really happy with her
but her love, it was fake, although it felt so real
i wanted her to walk back into my life again
i prayed that this was all one elaborate prank and that i would wake up from this nightmare
i wanted those lips on my cheek again
and those arms around me
i wanted her to say that all the mean comments she said were untrue and that she truly did loved me

but it never happened, and i was stupid enough to keep hoping it would. i hated her for it but kept forgiving her in my heart, blinded with the fact that i still loved her
i let her evil spirit seep into every little crevice, filling up with sucidal thoughts and trust issues