My Songs, and My Insanity

TitleLess (26)

Hiya my weirdos. Within the last 3 and a half years, I've changed a whole helluva lot. In most ways I've changed for the better. But in some ways, (like the stunning and some what horrifying amount of swearing I do on a daily basis) the changes of myself haven't been exactly great. I've been through a lot of things in the short period of roughly 3 and a half years. There's been big things, small things and plain confusing things that I don't even have an explanation for anymore.  Here are the four biggest/traumatic things that have happened in my weird life. 

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(in order of biggest to smallest)   

1. My mental and emotional abuser left my life. At the time when they left it felt like the end of the world and that I would never be okay again. I had been head over heals in love with them. I was ready to do anything for them, if they had asked me to kill someone I would have done it. Our relationship was less than healthy, probably for either of us. Them leaving was painful...probably one of the most painful memories I have to be completely honest. For weeks after their leaving, I cried everyday. I know that this sound super pathetic but this is my story and I'm sharing it with you all. I don't usually share this side of me. But its time someone knows my story. I would break down everyday in my 4th period because that class was basically just a study hall and no one in there really gave a shit anyways. Anyways, I broke down everyday for weeks after they left because it hurt so fucking bad. Until then, I had had a fairly happy and peaceful life to be honest. I don't know how I was so blessed with such a happy early childhood. So, this was the first real emotional pain that I'd ever experienced. Well other than a few pets passing, but that's a different kind of pain. I hate the emotional and mental control that they've gained on me. They might not be in my life any more... But sometimes they consume my thoughts and feelings and drown me in a sea of hopelessness and depression. Thoughts like: "I deserve to be this fucked up because of them.", "If only people knew how fucked up I am, they would leave me.", "I can't trust anyone, they'll leave me just like they did.", "I don't deserve friends..." consume me. These thoughts stay with me constantly. Usually on a good day, I can bat them away with logic or by talking to someone I trust to distract myself from them. On a bad day, I end up locking myself in my room blaring my music in my ears and thinking. I admit that I am stronger than I was when I met them, but every one has their weaknesses and mental cracks. They're just my biggest weakness.

2. My sexuality and gender identity has been something that I've really struggled with. Within the last year I've identified as at least 3 different gender identities. And within the last 3 and a half years, probably 6 or 7. Varying from non-binary to ftm transgender. Its confusing to say the least. I've done a lot of research on different identities and I was certain that one was who I am. But then something changes (or I talk to my therapist and get confused again) and then I identify as something else for awhile. Figuring out my gender has been hard for me. I don't know anymore honestly. So for now I don't care, use what ever pronouns. Any of them fell comfortable. My sexuality on the other hand is at least less confusing to me. I'm bisexual but lately I think I might be gay, not bi. The idea of going anywhere near a guy sexually kind of makes me gag. I can love a man romantically, but do I want to have sex with him? Not particularly enticing to me. 

3. Breast cancer. My aunt, who is a second mother figure in my life, was diagnosed with breast cancer mid November. Cancer is fucking brutal people. It's mean, it doesn't care who you are. I've done a fucking ton of research on breast cancer and life after cancer. For my English class, I wrote an entire paper just on breast cancer. I did generally well on the report, who cares if I nearly cried in front of my entire English class, right? My aunt is on radiation right now. Radiation is so much easier on her body than chemo was. But still, radiation sucks balls. It's basically like a giant, super-powered sunburn on one spot of her body. I know for a fact that the cancer has had a big affect on my entire family. I know this, but I can't help my thoughts and feelings on this. Thoughts like "Why did this happen to our family?"  and "I hate that she's had to lose all of her hair." (She had long ass hair before, like down to her actual ass.) Medical bills are insanely expensive, in case y'all didn't know that shit. I know this sounds stupid, but I'm young and this really is the first time I've worried about money and shit like that. To put it into perspective, I've had to stop seeing my therapist to save money for the bills. That hasn't been exactly easy on me, but ya do what ya gotta do. Right?

4. Relationships. Girlfriends, boyfriends, and partners of other gender identities...      For me, my romantic and sexual preferences are different than the common choice in that area. I'm polyamorus. (Google it people, I'm not gonna explain it again.) I've gotten some hate for this, but this is who I am and I'm not gonna stop being who I am because someone doesn't agree with MY  life choices. Mostly confusion from lack of knowledge. But for the most part most of my friends don't really care. ANYWAYS, my sexual preferences are......weird to say the very least, honestly. And probably would concern most people and definitely would concern my family. I've done a shit ton of research on things and I know a lot more than I should. What can I say? I love researching weird ass shit at 2 in the morning. I'm a kinky ball of fluffiness and love...mostly kinky......(Wade and Virgil agree with the mostly kinky part...)

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Anyways, thanks people for letting me ramble on about my weird life. Those are the 4 biggest things that have happened in the last three and a half years of my life. This is part of my story. I've had this chapter as a draft for probably close to two weeks now. I'm a bit insecure about sharing this. I honestly don't tend to share most of these things, (particularly 1 and 4). I'm a lot more confident with myself than I was 3 and a half years ago. Its been a long and shitty road...but it's all been worth it to get to the place that I am in now. 

(I'm probably going to take this down sooner or later, so if you want a copy of it message me and I'll send it too you.)