a racing mind

an honest letter

dear father,

i hope you're proud of the person you left behind. the person you were supposed to love and protect.

instead you left a gaping hole of loneliness & trust issues.

why do you keep me on your leash? you disappear for a few months, but once in a while you give it a tug, a reminder that you're still here.

please stop dragging me along. you can't be a part time father.

for so long, you made me feel worthless, unlovable, broken. simply because the only man who was supposed to love me unconditionally, couldn't.

you said you were gonna do better, but i caught you stealing $10 from me when i was 12.

i know you have a girlfriend now. i hope you can give her all of the love you were supposed to give to me. i hope that you protect her in the ways you should've protected me. where were you when my boyfriend said those horrible things to me?

absent.

like you always were.

i needed you. i needed a good father figure to look up to. i never got that, even though my mother remarried. he threw a chair at me. where were you then?

i hate being the punchline of jokes. the 'daddy issues.' do you cringe when you hear those at bars? knowing that my situation is just a fetish? or a ploy to get into my pants?

i don't need you anymore.

since i've reclaimed my independence, you've been trying to come back. but you locked that door a long time ago, & you threw away the key.

it's too late.

- daughter