Love Yourself: Him

I: S

 Jeon Jeongguk's depressed.

Originally, he hadn't thought of it as depression. He had thought it was just something lacking in his life. But now, looking at himself in the mirror, after countless months, days, hours of thinking, he's come to that conclusion.

He's depressed.

Before, he'd thought of other terms, too.

He's asocial.

He's got a panic syndrome.

Depression should be nothing new to him.

He doesn't know if calling himself depressed and believing it makes him more depressed, but he has it in his head that he must be depressed based on how he's been acting more and more.

No, he won't see the doctor. No, he won't take the medication.

He figures he'll settle with his depression, asocial behaviour, and panic attacks for the rest of his life. It wouldn't really matter how much it could take over.

And now everything is even more so...bland. Kind of like eating a cracker without cheese. A piece of bread with no meat.

A person with no feelings. They're all the same to Jeongguk.

He wakes up to the sunlight pouring over his eyes and his alarm clock blaring at him gratingly loud. He reaches a hand over and slams his palm onto the button. He doesn't know whether or not he's pressed Snooze or Off but at least the noise stops.

He contemplates getting out of bed for work. His coworkers have, already, started to notice how off he is. Probably noticed from before and just haven't said anything yet.

He doesn't know how he convinces himself to get up, but he does. Most likely his anxiety countering his depression.

He decides not to eat today.

He weighs just under 115. He knows he should weigh more, somewhere around 135 or more. He's just not hungry anymore.

Does a lack of an appetite come with depression? Or is it just another problem to add to his list of problems?

God knows the list is long enough.

He doesn't shower. Doesn't eat, has hardly slept well to function properly. He hadn't charged his phone the night before, but then again, he doesn't remember if he's paid it for the month, either.

Once he's out of the apartment and down the steps, he realises he's forgotten his wallet.

It's not worth walking back up to get it. He doesn't need it.

When he gets to the bike rack, his bike is gone. There are five other bikes lined up, with a spot on the end where his should be.

He figures he'll take someone else's bike. The world is cruel, so why should he be any different?

The ride to work is quiet across the blocks he bikes past. Once he makes it to the main street, there are very few people littering the sidewalk, of which he slows and dodges easily.

He spots his work just up ahead, the grocery store he was lucky to even be hired at seven months ago. He speeds up a bit and looks off towards the main street, where cars start to speed down the concrete, off on their way to work. Like him.

He wonders if he could just make the turn into traffic and end it right then and there. It would be beautiful, somehow.

'Young man, twenty-three, commits suicide after months of suffering and pain. Cause: He saw the traffic and wondered if it would make him feel better.'

He's nearly run into the grocery store doors and realises it's too late to kill himself when he's already arrived at work.

It's Sunday, cashier day for him. He puts on his uniform in the back, puts on his apron. He clocks in twenty minutes late and is eyed coldly by his boss.

On Sundays, he has to smile like he enjoys living. On Sundays, the grocery store is fairly empty. So, on Sundays, he only smiles when he has to. The cameras don't care if he smiles.

"Good morning," a woman greets him, quite cheerfully, he's able to note. He nods without saying a word and scans off her wine and crackers. "Looks like it'll be a nice day today." He nods and forces a smile.

She hands him money and he counts her change. He hands her money and she grins.

"Have a good day!" she chirps, and Jeongguk nods.

When she walks out, he thinks he catches an immediate frown on her face.

Maybe there are other people like him.

His entire shift is bland. Nothing happens. His smiles are fake and his customers think he's happy. He stays an extra twenty minutes to make up for his lateness.

"Hey, evening," is what his last customer says before he gets to clock out. "How much for...this and...this?" The man puts a packet of candy and an energy drink on the belt and Jeongguk scans it. He points to the price on the register and the man chuckles. "Not much of a talker? I get it, long day working, don't really want to...converse with anyone. 's alright." He pulls cash from his pocket and hands it off to Jeongguk, who counts it, brandishes change, and makes the sale.

He holds out his hand with the change, and the man holds up a hand.

"Keep the change," he states. "For yourself, I mean. Buy something to eat, or...I don't know." He chuckles. "Y'look like you've had a long day...," he has the audacity to chuckle and squint at his nametag, sounding it out as he ruffles his purple hair, "...Jeongguk."

He's right. Jeongguk has had a long day. A long day of lying and slinking around, avoiding any real work. Of existing in general.

The man walks away with a smile, and walks out of the store with it still intact. Jeongguk stares at the change in his hand and pockets it.

He won't spend it.