Love Yourself: Him

d

 Jeongguk makes it home safely, but not by his own doing. It had all been Namjoon and his careful leading, all the way until they reached Jeongguk's apartment, having put the address in Namjoon's phone.

Somewhere, in the back of his mind, he was very tempted to simply let go of Namjoon and run, run far into a truck, jump off a bridge, climb the highest building and just fall off of it and let the wind kill him instead of the impact.

But Namjoon's grip was tight, and Jeongguk didn't want to be chased.

He wakes up the next morning feeling nothing, like he usually does. He doesn't feel any kinds of regenerated or reborn. Hanging out with other people for barely an hour doesn't get rid of the depression. If anything, it reminds him of how depressed he actually is compared to them.

When he gets up, he goes to the kitchen. From the day before, there's dried blood on the tile from his leg and he stares at it for a moment. It's all in the past, but he feels like he wants to make more of it. More of that rusty red colour across grey.

Another problem.

It's when he spots the noodles he was going to eat that previous day that he actually freezes in place and feels something akin to a bubbling feeling in his chest.

Then he remembers why and he takes a step back.

There's a spider on the counter.

He didn't think he got spiders where he lived, but this time, he does. How long it's been there, living with him, in the air he breathes, he doesn't know, and he doesn't want to know.

He trips across something and falls onto the floor on his rear, and that seems to alert the arachnid to his presence because it moves.

And Jeongguk is, for the first time in awhile, terrified. Because it's moving towards him and it's coming for him.

Its eight legs, long and spindly, move slowly across the counter, then down the cabinet, then it stops. And it's just too close to him, but he can't move.

He feels himself breathing hard and he feels legs all across his body and he thinks he starts crying but he doesn't know because he feels it on his body.

His skin crawls and his face crawls and he doesn't dare take his eyes off of the spider.

At least until his phone goes off.

from unknown number

its namjoon, this is my number. youll probably get everyone elses soon since i gave yours to them hehe

Jeongguk can't focus because they are on him and he can't breathe and he needs help.

His fingers fumble with his phone and he doesn't know how, doesn't care to know how, but the phone starts ringing and he has no idea who he's called until he hears a faint voice.

"Hello?" Namjoon's voice comes out crackly. "Jeongguk?"

He can't breathe.

"Jeongguk? What's going on? A-Are you okay?"

He can't move.

"Jeongguk, what's- Shit. Hold on, I'll be right there. You're at home, right?"

Jeongguk can't do anything.

He hears the phone hang up and he can't hear, he can't speak, he can't feel anything but his skin crawls and he wants it to stop.

In under ten minutes, his front door bursts open and he doesn't see who it is.

"Jeongguk!" Namjoon's voice rings out, and Jeongguk can't tell if it's on the phone or in person. "Jeongguk, what happened, are you okay?"

"S-Spider," is the single and only word he says aloud, and he doesn't see anything because everything is dark and cold and all he sees are white spots in his vision.

"Spider, what..." He hears Namjoon trail off, then stand up and plod over. It's a few long moments before he comes back and holds Jeongguk by his shoulders. "Look, Jeongguk, look. No more spiders, it's gone, okay?"

Jeongguk can barely will himself to focus his vision, but when he does, he sees no spider in his kitchen. Just noodles, just rusted blood, just grey tile and brown cabinets.

"See? All gone." Jeongguk notices his breathing is still off. "Hey, look at me, okay? At me." Namjoon turns Jeongguk's head to face him, rubbing circles into his stinging hands. "Ready, we're going to breathe. Okay? Let's go in for five, hold for five, and out for five, five times. Okay? Like this." Namjoon demonstrates and Jeongguk feels tears spilling.

He follows as best he can, focusing, just focusing and breathing and he thinks he's gained his lungs back by the fifth exhale.

And then the panic fades and he's empty again.

"Better?" Namjoon questions, and Jeongguk blinks at him. "Right? No more, it's just us here, nothing more." Then he chuckles, "I, uh... We were starting to think you...didn't know how to talk or something. Or maybe you didn't speak Korean very well. But, uh, it's... It's nice to hear you talk. It's nice."

Jeongguk blinks again.

He's said one word and that's already one too many.

"Um, listen, if you...," Namjoon hums out. "I mean, you probably have work, right?" Jeongguk nods. "Well, after you get off, you want to come back over to the house? Suga really wants to talk to you again, he thinks you're...," Namjoon waves his hands around the air, "intriguing."

When Jeongguk doesn't give a response, Namjoon nods.

"Well, someone will come get you, at least," he says. "Maybe V, since he's not too busy today. Hobi wouldn't come if you forced him."

Jeongguk blinks in response and Namjoon stands, holding a hand for Jeongguk to take and stand up.

"That is okay, right?" Namjoon asks. "If V or someone comes to get you after work?" Jeongguk blinks and, unbeknownst to him, nods.

"Okay," he replies without realising he's spoken, and shuts his mouth again when Namjoon grins, nodding.

"Okay," he repeats softly, and chuckles as he looks at his feet before looking back up. "What time do you get off of your shift?"

"...Six."

"Okay. Someone'll be there to get you around six, okay?" Jeongguk blinks and watches Namjoon leave, wondering why his body had performed the opposite of what his mind had been thinking.