Love Yourself: Him

G G

"Hey, Jeonggukie, baby."

"Yeah, baby, come here. Look at how big you've gotten! All without my help! I just couldn't stay long enough to watch you get so big."

"Let's walk, Jeonggukie, we need to catch up. I've had a wonderful time being dead and abandoning you when you were seven, leaving you with Appa. He was never home."

"I'm surprised you haven't done it yet. Don't you want to be with me again? Jeonggukie?"

"Jeongguk? Jeongguk, look at me. Open your eyes, you're almost there. A couple more seconds-"

"Eomma," someone mumbles, and it takes a moment for Jeongguk to figure out that he's the one saying it.

It's been a long time since Jeongguk's had a dream, one that he could even remember.

A long time since he's ever thought about his mother.

It's been a long time since he's truly cried, but that must be what the wet thing on his cheeks is.

"Jeongguk, are you okay?" a different voice asks, and it sounds like the voice from the dream. He flinches from it and tries to get away because she's not even real anymore. "It's Seokjin, open your eyes. C'mon, just a little more."

"Don't, don't, don't, don't," someone else says, and it's his own voice again. It's foreign, rasped from unused vocals, like he's been gagged for so long and right now has been the only time he's gotten to speak.

"Jeongguk, Jeongguk- Hey, Jeongguk," the voice of his mother says again, and he keeps his eyes closed as he moves away from the voice and everything and he wants it to go away. "Jeongguk! Open your eyes."

He shakes his head, hoping that she'll see that he doesn't ever need to see her again. Because he knows if he does, he'll break. That's the only thing he knows anymore right now. Any sight of his mother, of a family, of anything, will kill him inside, and this could possibly be the only time he doesn't want to die.

"Get away from him," someone else says, something that sounds like his mother, but not quite. A little off, and then another voice speaks, and another, and they're all around him and suffocating him and he can't breathe.

Someone's hands grasp at his arms and shake him, and then fingers are prying at his eyelids and forcing them open.

The bright white light of the room hits him and he manages to blink before keeping his eyes open and something that looks nothing like his mother is staring at him.

"Jeongguk," Seokjin says, eyes concerned and filled with a worry that reminds Jeongguk of a father he never had. "Are you okay?" Hands on either side of his head, holding him in place, soft skin pressing down on unruly black hair.

And it hadn't been real.

And he's still here.

Jeongguk blinks over and over and over again until he's back to reality.

"Talk to me, Gguk," Seokjin continues. "What happened?"

He doesn't say anything. He's already said one too many words.

He moves to get up but Seokjin doesn't let him. Locks him in place on the couch.

"If you're worried about work, we called them and told them you were sick," Yoongi's voice says. "We're worried about you."

No, you're not.

"Here, Joon, help me," Seokjin says, and in a moment, there's sushi being pushed into his eyeline. "Eat, at least a little. I'm sure you haven't in awhile now."

He doesn't want to. He doesn't want much of anything right now. In a way, he wishes he hadn't ever woken up, that his dream could have possibly killed him while he was still unconscious.

"I'm going to find some antibiotics," someone, he thinks it's Namjoon again, says, and Seokjin hums, sitting back and away from Jeongguk.

"What happened to your mom, Jeongguk?" is his sudden question. Jeongguk stares at him blankly.

"She killed herself."

His voice is hardened and he doesn't blink, he feels, yet Seokjin's face changes right in front of him, from curiosity to concern to sympathy. He's feeling for Jeongguk when Jeongguk can't feel for himself and even if Jeongguk could feel anything, he wouldn't show it.

One more emotion Seokjin seems to show, now, is understanding.

"Jeongguk," he says slowly, and it's like his voice fades in and out, like his ears are only choosing to work at certain points, "you don't have to do this."

But there's nothing left for him in life.

"Dying won't bring you back to her," Yoongi joins in. "If anything, it'll put you further away."

But that isn't the problem.

Jeongguk's never wanted to go back to his mother. Nor his father. Nobody. His brother's long since gone. Any relationship he's ever been in has ended before it's hardly begun. Any friend has dropped him for any number of reasons.

There's nothing to hold onto anymore and Jeongguk doesn't see a point in looking anymore.

He's already let go of the steering wheel. He wishes someone would stop taking hold of it.

He stands up and Seokjin steps back this time. Namjoon comes back with medicine, but keeps his place at Jeongguk's movement. Yoongi says nothing.

He steps towards the door as it opens, Hoseok on the other side.

"Jeongguk," he says, surprised for once, and Jeongguk goes around him.

There are protests behind him, shouts, but his legs carry him away from it all until, thirty minutes later, he's at the front door to his own apartment.

He drops to his knees, his chest, closes his eyes, and hopes that he doesn't wake up again.