Love Yourself: Him

M D

It's been days since Hoseok's even said a word.

At first, Jimin thought it was okay. Maybe something was going on and Hoseok just needed some space.

But Jimin's counted nine days without Hoseok even making a noise, and currently, he's locked himself in the bathroom.

"...Hobi-hyung?" he says, knocking carefully on the door. There's no response. "Can you come out? It's Ji-"

The door is shoved inwards and Hoseok shoves Jimin himself out of the way. Jimin sees the red on his arm.

"Fuck off," Hoseok mutters, the first thing he's said to Jimin in nine days. Jimin follows him with his eyes and sees a glint of something in Hoseok's hand right before he steps out of the door.

"Shit," Jimin curses as he runs after, Seokjin's voice calling after him in question.

Jimin searches for Hoseok in the night, only a few of the street lamps actually working, until he sees him heading towards oncoming traffic past the neighbourhood.

"J-Hope!" Jimin practically screams, ignoring the fact he might be waking other people up. "Hobi!"

"Stop fucking calling me that!" Hoseok screams back. "It's not my fucking name!" Jimin doesn't stop running and grabs Hoseok's shoulder and turns him around, and Hoseok whips his hand off. "Fuck off, Jimin!"

"Hobi-hyung, what happ-"

"What the fuck did I say?" Hoseok's voice is even louder than Jimin's had been. "My name's fucking Hoseok! It's not Hobi, it's not J-Hope, fuck, why can't you get that through your stupid fucking head?" Hoseok starts to walk away again, but Jimin grabs his wrist.

"Stop it!" Jimin yells at him, pulling him back. "Stop running away from me, from all of us-"

"Why the fuck shouldn't I?" Hoseok asks, voice lowering. "You don't care. You just pity me because you have to and we all know it. You found me, you couldn't leave me there. Just being good people because you fucking have to." Hoseok's other hand grips the knife even firmer, and his voice cracks, "So what's the fucking point?"

"I care." Jimin tries to mentally will Hoseok to meet his gaze. "I do care, why wouldn't I care? If I didn't care, I wouldn't have looked twice. Why can't you see that?"

"I'm not going to see anything anymore," Hoseok says in a beat and the knife raises to his throat and Jimin knows what's going to happen.

He tackles Hoseok to the ground, one arm hitting the knife from his hand and he knows he succeeded when the clattering noise resounds across the street. He feels a sharp pain in his hand, knowing he probably cut himself on accident, and he holds Hoseok down underneath him.

"Stop it!" Jimin yells in his face, and Hoseok closes his eyes. "Stop thinking you're fucking worthless because you're fucking not! We care about you and we want you to see that, why can't you fucking open your eyes and see that we want you to be alive?"

"You don't get it," Hoseok replies, and Jimin sighs.

"Come back home." He drops his head into the crook of Hoseok's neck and sighs. "Please. I can't do any of this without you."

There's a beat of silence until Hoseok speaks again.

"I'm sorry."

____________________________________________________________

Jeongguk's limp gets worse the longer they walk.

"Gguk, don't put so much pressure on it when you walk," Yoongi tells him, but the words go in one ear and out the other. "Namjoon, he can't keep walking like this."

"Well, I-" Namjoon spoke until Jeongguk finally let his legs give out at the hands of a crack in the sidewalk, "Fuck, Jeongguk, are you okay?"

He can't hear anything but a deep thrumming of blood in his ears and can't feel anything but the lack of energy in his legs to continue carrying him.

He hopes he dies on this sidewalk.

"Suga, can you carry him home?" Namjoon asks, and without hesitation, Jeongguk's hoisted onto Yoongi's back.

"Shit, he's light," Yoongi says offhandedly. "Go, Joon, I got him. Go."

"...Alright."

Jeongguk faintly hears footsteps fade away as the world moves on without him moving. The world's always going to move on without him doing anything, he realises. He knows that.

"Don't die on me," Yoongi says quietly and Jeongguk can't promise him he won't. He hopes he dies on Yoongi's back.

"Jimin, you're back already?" a voice calls from inside. Taehyung's.

"No, it's me," Yoongi huffs back. "Where is he? I need him, like, now."

"What, why-"

"If you'd look, you'd see!" Jeongguk hears everything happening around him and he wishes his vision would just start to go already.

He just hopes he dies.

He bounces on Yoongi's back and before he knows it, he's being gently set down onto cold tile, surrounded by white.

"Hold on, hold on," Yoongi's voice breathes out.

"Take him to the hospital!" Taehyung yells.

"I thought Jimin would be here!" Yoongi yells back. It makes Jeongguk's head pound and he closes his eyes and waits for everything to stop and just stop and just stop.

"Move," a different voice says, and Jeongguk hopes it's Death. "I'll do it."

Please, just let me die.

There are more footsteps and Jeongguk's lifted into a proper sitting position and his eyes are forced open, to which he comes face to face with Hoseok.

Hoseok.

Will Hoseok let him die?

"Everyone always asks Jimin for medical help," Hoseok explains, "but they forget that I know how to help, too." Hoseok moves everything around on him, lifts up his pant leg where the blood has dried out all over the skin and across the cut. "So this is what you've done this time."

Hoseok wipes down the wound and the skin, checks his other leg and his arms, checks anywhere he can. Puppeteers him.

"You haven't been eating, either, I can tell," Hoseok says as he starts to bandage the wound once more. "It's one of the reasons it's so hard to stay awake. And I know it seems like it'll be great to just sleep and never wake up, but it's not."

How would he know?

"I've done it before, y'know," Hoseok hums. "They don't like to talk about it, but I almost died before. Killed myself. A few times, but one time, it really did almost happen." Hoseok continues as he tightens the bandage and goes over it multiple times. "I, uh... I went to the doctor because I thought I had insomnia, and they prescribed sleeping pills. And I just- I took them all. At once.

"It was the only time I've ever had to go to the hospital, but Jin-hyung said no matter what he did, I wouldn't wake up." His voice cracks, "He said he cried a lot and if I really did go, he wasn't sure if he would've wanted to stay alive if I wasn't.

"I woke up, a few days after that. They had me on life support until then, and they marked me down as suicidal for any further visits." Hoseok finishes off the bandage. "I know... I just, I know it seems like the way to go, because everything is just...nothing, but there's only one of you. And we all really care about you."

Hoseok hoists Jeongguk up and half-carries him out to the couch, to which Yoongi lets Jeongguk be lain down.

"Rest here, we'll get you some food in a second, okay?" Hoseok says, and throws something soft and warm over Jeongguk. "You're okay here, Yoongi'll watch you and Taehyung's here, too."

Jeongguk falls asleep and hopes everything that Hoseok's said isn't true.