Truth Untold

6

Why I Write

If you were to ask me why I would write, the question would have put me in silence in instant. It was first asked out of the blue once, late at night when we were in the middle of our initiation training, as we talked in the hallway of our dormitory. There was a lot on my mind that not even sleep could take the pain away. What could I say? Finals took place the day after. Who on earth could have some peace of their mind when finals fast approaching? No one. Even if I finally could get a grip myself, anxiety would not be so kind to let it pass by.

"What are you doing out this late, Love?" He asked me as he made his way out of his room, wearing only shorts and an oversized sweater. "You should've slept by now. It's late and fucking freezing, too. Could you please at least have a concern for yourself and wear something warmer?" Frustration was clear on his tone. I meant, I would, too if it were me. But he was wearing nothing less than I was, so it was safe to say his statement was invalid.

I looked up from where I first put my sight to. He was drowsy with sleepiness, eyes dropping, probably tired from his study session with some of his friends earlier. But something about the way he came out of his room, right when I told him so, just said how much of affection he had. "It's getting really suffocating in my room. I need a breath of fresh air." I told him, opening the big window behind me despite of the blazing air con in the communal room we were in.

The breeze of night air blew in and I had never seen Efrain closed the window so fast in the years of my existence before. "God, I told you it's freezing outside. Why did you open the window?" He said, taking off his navy sweater and circling it around me. "Do not open the goddamn window!" He warned.

I nodded, a small smile threatened to give in, in spite of the cold tone he warned me. I laid my back on one side of the four walls, facing the view of the city. From the fourteenth floor of our dormitory, everything just looked so nice. The city lights twinkled, creating a beautiful contrast against the dark canvas of night's sky. Everything was beautiful from afar, uglier up close. He laid his head on my lap, I knew he was sleepy as heck.

"Just go to sleep, Efrain. Your eyes dropping, I know you're tired. Get some rest" I told him.

Efrain was... Well, he's Efrain—hot headed and stubborn. Instead of acknowledging that he was indeed tired, he pulled my hand onto his hair. I exhaled heavily. Who knew an act of running my fingers on his hair could have as much as this calming effect on me? "I wasn't even sleeping in my room. That damned Novan just couldn't turn off his music. I mean, dude, it's fucking midnight and some people do actually need kinda peace before they sleep." He ranted. "I'm fine, though. On the other note, you look extremely tired. Where are the other girls?"

"I'm sure they're fast asleep by now. Why?"

"Then why aren't you tucked in bed, fast asleep for your own sake? You're here instead. I don't get you. Just put away those little flashcards of yours and get some rest." He said.

I shook my head slowly. "I was just gonna get some air here. I still have two more chapters to finish, can't just sleep"

He rolled his eyes, annoyed with the fact that it was almost one in the morning and his girl could only think of the last two chapters that hadn't been finished. "It's only two chapters, Love. You'll manage."

"I can't screw this one up, you know?" I told him.

"I know. I also know that you're gonna nail this shit. You'll be fine, Love." He said, getting up from my lap and kissing the tip of my nose. "Let's get you some sleep, alright? Sleep deprivation does not complement to what those flashcards had worked."

We fell into deep silence after that, sitting side by side. My eyes burned from the earlier ministration and my neck felt stiff. Leaning my head on his shoulders felt actually nice, his musk scent filled my nostrils and I had never thanked my brother enough for his good choice of the cologne I gave Efrain.

"Love," he called me, knowing I almost fell unconscious. I hummed an answer. "why do you write?" he asked me out of the blue.

I lifted my head up, looking at him sideways. "Why did you ask?" I looked at him in comical ways. He glanced at me, annoyed. "No offense, you never seemed to care about me writing so the question came out of nowhere." I explained.

He exhaled heavily, "Love, you know very well how I enjoy seeing you writing. I love your writing, truly, so please stop saying I do not care because that's the last thing I want you to feel about yourself."

I smiled softly, knowing very well that he actually cares about me and my doing, especially my writing. He gave me enough space at times so that I could write freely on my own. He often reads my work, saying "Love, dear God, you're a genius. How can you even write something this beautiful? You really are something else, Love." He said once and I quoted.

"Ef, I know. I always love it that you gave me my own spaces and the way you appreciated my words, I never got to thank you for that."

Efrain wanted to smile but of course his pride didn't let him to enjoy the lovey dovey moments. "Told ya."

I let out hearty chuckle, "So, care to tell me why you write?" He pushed again.

"Do you really want to know?" He nodded eagerly. "I actually don't know, Efrain, why I write in the first place. There is this weird sense of coming home when I write. It's pretty much like what comfort foods or comfort shopping do." I told him.

He stared at me quite intently. His expression was unreadable. I was going to offer him a penny for his thought but I knew he would turn down the offer, saying his mind was worth more than just a penny. There had to be something swirling in his mind that he couldn't fathom into words. He nodded, "Fine, whatever suits you best. Let's get you some rest then. It's..." He paused, checking the wrist circling on his wrist. "Fucking one in the morning. Sleep, Love, you need to. Everything else can wait. Come on."

I know the fact that I am sad, that's why I write. I know the fact that I'm scared to death, that's why I write. I know the fact that I have too much going on my mind that I can't tell anyone else without afraid of being judged, that's why I write.

"Right, come on. I'll wake up a little early to finish the last two chapters. Thank you, Ef, for being here, for listening to my non-sense." I thanked him as he walked me to my dorm room.

"It's always a pleasure to listen to you talking. I could do it for hours, all night long if I have to. But you're tired, let's get you some sleep, yeah?" I nodded, smiling at his words of kindness. "Goodnight, Love." A kiss landed on my right cheek.

I should've bid him goodbye like I always do, but what could I do when the feverish of his kiss left my cheek seven shades of crimson? Closing the door in instant, whispering goodnight, Efrain.

You were drowsy, consumed by the will to just rest for the night. But the look you wore that night, it was as if you'd stay sleepless for another night if it meant to see a smile of mine lighted. I think, I think I found out another reason why I write then; to memorize this kind of night with Efrain Harris. Because this is the only way I know how to remember him, because this is the only way I want to know why I remember him.