Truth Untold

Trivia #4

Trivia #4 - Truth Untold

I've read this before somewhere, "Love will not save you. But it will hold your hand while you save yourself." And I think I just really needed to hear that. I just need that kind of love. Someone who grounds us. Someone who stays. I always know that I am able to save myself. I can walk whatever path I choose for myself. I am able to overcome what hardships that come before me. But I need someone who's gonna hold my hand when things get rough. I need a pair of arms to come home to at the end of day when the day is through.

A few days into meeting Efrain Harris, I had this weird feeling that somehow he would be a factor that mattered in my life.

Deep down I always know we would be a thing. Efrain Harris is the kind of man that fits into my idea of best friend. One of the most standout traits he has is the tendency to be kindest at heart, the calmest at rough times and the understanding he carries even at the most unpleasant times. I had been best friends with this type of man and soon as I knew him, I always know we were bound to happen.

And he did prove it, just as the first day rolled out into another four of first project, he proved that we indeed had become best friends in the shortest span of time. I hadn't expected things to escalate as fast but it happened and honestly speaking, I didn't complain at all. I like being by his side at days and having a privilege to have him lulling me to sleep at nights.

What I never expected was my own preferences of my man that happened to be exactly the same as what I looked in any of my friends. Maybe I had pictured myself marrying one of my guy best friends, maybe I hadn't, I don't know. But I know that he is the kind of man I would be happy to have as a friend for life, a lover, my soulmate.

One night, as we exchanged the usual banter over text, I realized then—my funny feelings. It was one of many nights that I had realized how his laughter was infectious. That a day went by without his bad puns sucked so bad. It was a turning point where I admitted that he had became my person. And even though a part of me knew we were bound to happen, a bigger part in me knew better that we couldn't be together.

I had wanted to say it, say the word, tell you how much I like you but the lump in my throat always got in the way. There were so many times the words were hanging off the farthest south of my tongue and I had to swallow it back. There were lots of almost, giving up all of me just to blur in the background. But of course I knew better, if I had told you then things were just gonna get messier than it already was.

Because time was never on our side. It was a shame, really. I liked you, so much that your happiness came first. I fell for you so many times that I thought I was gonna fall apart one more time you weren't picking me up.

There were times I thought we'd have our chances. Maybe I'd try out my luck. But even if we combined all the luck we'd have for the rest of our life together, we still wouldn't be. So I decided that it was better not to tell you. Not because I was afraid of rejection, well, I was but it was never a reason why I never told you. I didn't think I had the heart to spell it out for you and made things even more complicated that it already was.

Once again I put my mask, just to see you.

Pretending to be happy was easy. I had my fair share of moments I had to fake a smile. But masking my feelings was one other thing. And hiding the clouds behind sunshine was on another level of inhumane.

But it was all I could ever do. I would have you anyway I can get; a platonic, innocent friendship that is. I cannot afford to lose you. Not when you keep me grounded. Not when you stay despite all the million reasons you have to leave me. I'd rather put on another mask, if I had to, than to let you go.

Do you really think I was a coward because I kept this all inside? Have it your way. I still think, up to this day, that I was brave. Brave enough to love someone so selflessly without him love me back. I was brave enough to love him, with all the might that I have, with all I ever be. I was brave enough to love beyond myself that I didn't deny the simplest happiness of letting myself fall in love with you.

They said bravery and stupidity were bordered by a very thin line. Some might think I was stupid, I was. Because what kind of clever girl would let herself love someone that isn't gonna love you back? Some might say I was brave, I was. I was both things at the same time. And I proudly said it that no matter how much it hurt, I got through it once and I healed (or nah, I don't exactly know).

I am still in my way to find why we crossed paths if you were never to be what I once thought you would. To find if you're a season or a reason. Maybe someday I'll find out why, maybe I don't. But for now, here is the truth I never told you, or anyone at all.

To all the truths untold that I wanted to scream it out: Because I can't get closer to you, but I still want you.