Truth Untold

Trivia #3

Trivia #3- the Sunday Blues Pt. 2

I first thought it would be impossible to walk away from your arms. It is no use to try to erase you altogether from my memory. You were there in every corner. You were present in every first of my everything. Every time I flip the page, there you are standing proudly in your jersey; all heart eyes for me and beautiful smile carved out.

As I walked away farther into life though, I saw the light from different perspective. I saw that things eventually do change at some parts. People change. Well, obviously. If people wouldn't change, I wouldn't have written a heartfelt letter of how sad it was to let you go. Had it not been for you change, there would have been an us. I now see that walking away from you wasn't impossible. It took me more steps than I had to with other people, but I finally managed to get away from your grip. It still hurts to hear your name in between talk daily, but I no longer freeze as I hear it. My heart still kinda burst out every time you update your instagram story, but the after effect of seeing you carry on with life feels good.

I haven't finally gotten a grip on myself, but I can manage to go on with the show from here.

It was anywhere near easy to let you go. Technically, I was never letting you go for you weren't really a possession of mine. Not that you were a thing, but you get my point. You just were never mine. You just happened to be the guy I had infatuated with. If infatuation is too small of a word, let me rephrase; you just happened to be the guy I had liked so much, maybe loved a little.

I was never yours nor you were mine. Sundays later after 6th of May, I finally figured it out that we were never really ours.

The... feeling between us bloomed over time. It wasn't a one time thing. It wasn't an after effect of a one night stand, definitely not. It wasn't an epiphany of lifetime best friend. I could not pinpoint what it was either. But once, nights ago, we both knew were so into each other and also knew the tragic truth we couldn't be together. So we spent every single second there was together. Because feelings are funny like that and life is little even funnier.

As I said before, you were there in every corner of my mind. I found you in the darkest of my nights. Those nights I spent crying because I was too far away from home and your voice through the phone call was the closest to what home is to me.

I found you in the morning. Those mornings where rain greeted with soft pouring, creating a halo of melodrama that only reminds me of you. Because the rain is falling and so am I.

Spending life with you always had my stomach churn in the most pleasant way. It sparked fireworks around me, an exciting burst of warm fiery bright that enveloped me. Do you remember that one time after not talking for weeks and you suddenly popped out in my workplace? If only you knew, it exactly felt like coming home after a long day in the arms of your loved one deep in bathtub filled with warm water and musky bath bombs. "Goodnight my favorite acoustic voice." You would whisper to my ear as a kiss land on my temple, as you kissed me goodnight.

May 6th, 2018

I take it from here that now you know why it is so damn hard to walk away from your arms. Because how do you look into the eyes of the girl you love and tell her it's time to walk away? You can't. But you did. You looked at me dead into the eyes, defeated by the fate as you said, "This is goodbye. Please do well on your exam." Weeks of no calls nor texts followed through. And I thought I would forget you, erase you completely, but my heart just fell down from its socket just a month later when you called my name as we bumped into each other in a meeting. "Love, do you bring me my hoodie?"

Ten Sundays later, you would find me moping around my bed at 2 in the morning, eyes wide open even my body screamed sleep. My brain just refused to shut down. It kept wondering where I did wrong in my previous life that I deserve this beautifully tragic love that can't be together. My heart kept wondering if that night, after some sleepless nights yet again, I would finally get a simple goodnight from you.

I fell asleep eventually, late into the morning where I was far too exhausted thinking of every what ifs. The sleep didn't last long though, your face greeted me faster than my alarm clock could ring my morning into life. After a long day of the thought of you, how did you still find a way to sneak into my dreams?

September 16

Thirty Sundays later, those late night thoughts had faded into the nothing. I fell asleep before the clock could strike midnight. The waiting for your goodnight text changed into turning off my phone because I knew you would not.

Once or twice you would slid into my Instagram DMs, exchanging stupidly annoying banter that would only last for like three or four bubbles tops. Maybe it was you saying you missed me or maybe it was just so nice of you. Either way, it is nice having Efrain Harris around.

I'm still trying to walk away from you, walking further into the cracks where pieces of my heart laying, waiting to be collected and once again glued into one again. It's hard that we parted ways because I always had pictured you'd be the one I come home to when twilight greets me, but I'm really trying to see you from across the bridge and wave you a nice smile instead of a scowl; that would be a better unsaid I love you but I can't have you kind of goodbye, wouldn't it?

There were times I wanted to curse at you but that wouldn't do us any good. Now though, I can smile looking at your life folds out. These smiles of mine, they're genuine. These laughter, I guaranteed they aren't forced.

It's just great that you carry on with life happily. I know you will do great. It just kinda sucks that I am not the one helping you carry on.