Seven Weeks to Forever (Love / Romance)

Epilogue: Chapter Forty-Four

I don't have a plan, but when I walk into the lobby of Diamond Lotus Yoga two days later, I know it's the day I have to talk to Selena. I'm out of reasons and excuses not to, and what Riley told me about the change in her since Amanda's death and her break-up with Addison has been weighing on my mind.

There's also Noah. He's been suspiciously quiet since dropping in on Riley and me, but I sense he's been watching and sending me messages in other ways. When I connected to The Life-After last night, a brief image of me walking up to Selena flashed through my mind. I understood the meaning without it being put into words. It's time for me to take responsibility for what I've contributed to Selena's hurt and grief.

I'm on my own for class today, and Selena doesn't notice me enter the building. That's good, because her awareness of me would interrupt what I'm witnessing, and I don't want it to. Selena's attention is on Ivy, who is chatting it up with her at the front desk.

I try to conceal myself behind a display of yoga clothing and mats, and then focus in on their energy. Ivy's is as open and exuberant as ever, expanding and reaching out to Selena. Little sparks light up in the places where their energy mingles. The sparks of Selena's energy swirl in a haphazard dance, sometimes advancing, and sometimes pulling back. When she lets herself connect with Ivy, I see her truly come alive. These are fleeting moments, though, since her energy retreats not long after each time a connection occurs.

I know I'm not misreading the mutual like she and Ivy have for one another. Their interest may go deeper than friendship, but even that won't be allowed to blossom if Selena's instinct is to protect herself from feeling anything. As I watch Selena bring her energy in close around her again, I see something I haven't noticed before. There are sparks fizzling out around her heart, with colors that are muted and dull. This is not the lively heart of the Selena I once knew.

Ivy turns away from her, heading for the classroom door. I see Selena say something to another woman who's with her at the front desk. The woman nods, and Selena picks up a muffin and bottle of water. She walks in the direction opposite from where Ivy just went, toward the outdoor patio.

This is the best chance I'll have at getting Selena alone. It's now or never.

When I step outside, I see her already seated at a table that's shaded by an umbrella. The patio will fill up after Amarleen's class is over, but right now, she's the only person out here aside from me.

Selena doesn't look up as I tentatively put one foot in front of the other. She appears lost in thought, her eyes cast down at her phone, which is on the table. She breaks a piece off of her muffin and pops it into her mouth.

"Hi." I set my yoga mat and bag down and pull out the chair across from her.

Her head snaps up. She blinks hard and pauses mid-chew.

"Can we talk?" I ask.

This breaks the trance. Selena raises her eyebrows, then starts to chew again. She uncaps her water bottle and takes a long drink before answering me.

"I guess I can't stop you since you're already talking. I'm not sure I have much to say."

Her tone is flat and seemingly indifferent. Her energy is anything but. The sparks that flit everywhere around her are the colors of nervousness and trepidation.

"I left a note in your mailbox a couple of weeks ago," I begin.

"I got it." Her eyes are pure steel. "Those few words, wow. Pulitzer-worthy."

I deserve every biting word she throws at me, and then some. I keep this in mind while I take a breath, and then I continue speaking.

"I know an apology can't make up for the way I treated you, but I really am sorry."

She glowers. "It's a little late. The damage is done."

"I realize that. I still wanted to apologize and talk to you."

"Why?" Selena narrows her eyes. "You were pretty clear about wanting me out of your life for good."

"I didn't want you out of my life, but I felt like I had to do it."

That might have been the wrong way to phrase what I meant, and I recognize this when Selena's energy turns the colors of deep hurt and fierce anger. I start to backpedal, but she interrupts me.

"You had to do it?" she repeats. "Solve this great mystery for me, then, and tell me all about what made you do it. This ought to be good." She folds her arms across her chest and waits.

I have no idea what to say next. I can't tell Selena about being a second-timer, or how I thought I would leave The Before a few weeks after turning eighteen. The Life-After will make it impossible for me to form the words. I also don't want to tell her something that isn't true. She'll see right through me, and it will only make this worse.

As I feel panic welling up inside of me, I'm saved by a light-bulb moment. Maybe I can't tell her about The Life-After and my mission here, or about the cosmic accident and the fear I had of letting people in, but I don't have to lie.

"I thought I was dying."

"What?" She peers at me with such scrutiny, it feels as if she's trying to see into my soul.

I look her straight in the eyes. "They thought there was a problem with my heart, and that I wouldn't make it more than a couple of years."

Selena gawks at me, but she's silent for a few moments. She's trying to decide if I'm making this up.

"You could have told me," she finally says. "If it's even true. It looks like you're still alive."

"I found out later what was wrong could be fixed. I didn't know then. And I didn't tell you when I thought I was dying, because I convinced myself it was better to make you hate me. That way, you wouldn't be sad when I was gone."

I continue looking her in the eyes, but she no longer wants to look at me. Her gaze flickers down to the table.

"I never hated you, but I don't know that I like you."

"I don't expect you to, just like I don't expect you to forgive me."

I watch Selena pick at the muffin wrapper. There's less anger and hurt in her energy now, but there's a growing amount of confusion.

"Why are you telling me this if you don't want forgiveness?" Her posture is rigid, as though she's bracing herself for learning something that will wound her again.

"I wanted you to know why I did what I did. I made a horrible and selfish choice, and I regret every second of hurting you."

I expand my energy field outward while I speak, wondering if she'll give me the chance to connect with her. When she doesn't immediately draw her energy back around her, I keep talking.

"I never stopped caring about you. You've always been an amazing friend to me, and you didn't deserve any of this."

Selena's upper lip trembles. She must realize it, because her hand comes up to cover her mouth, and she pushes her chair back.

"I need some time to think," she mumbles.

She's on her feet in a flash, stalking across the patio to the door that leads inside. Her barely-touched muffin is still on the table.

I get up, too, but sense going the same direction Selena just went won't do either of us any good. Instead, I gather my yoga mat and bag in my hands and head for the gate at the side of the patio. Once I'm outside of it, I take a stone path along the side of the building that leads out to the sidewalk.

It takes me a couple of minutes to reach my car. I spot the indigo feather on the passenger seat before I've finished unlocking the doors.

"I tried," I whisper.