My Thoughts

To Everyone

(Song is Welcome to my Life by Simple Plan)

To everyone or most people I am an energetic person. I love to socialize with everyone and that I'm smart. I am happy and I am guessing that everyone guesses that my life's perfect. I am surrounded by people who are happy. They fit in and get along with everybody. Even the troublemakers. 

I feel like everything's wrong. I want to tell everyone how I feel but I am afraid of pity and opening up. Before my math teacher released us for summer, she told us to choose a song and dedicate it to something. I was going to but when she said that it's optional I backed out. I am also afraid of people understanding me but the few times that I've hinted that I'm not myself no one notices. 

I feel safer at school then home. I always want to run away but I don't know what to do. People say that home is where the home is but what is you don't have a heart. I always feel sad and when I do end up crying it's easy to hide. I also feel safer in the showers because no one can hear you. I am always in my room listening to music, like right now as I type this up. I listen to sad music because it helps me. My family hates it though because they don't understand it. I try to find the meaning behind the lyrics. My sister says mean things that make me want to die  and then ignores me like I don't even exist. When my mom gets mad, she says mean things as well but later said that she doesn't mean anything she said. However, one thing I noticed was that when you're angry you say everything you feel. You let it all out when you kept it in because you feel guilty about it. I pretend that words don't affect me when I am really sensitive to words. I pretend, always did and always will.

I feel like I am not appreciated. I have to be nice to younger children but they take advantage of me and boss me around. I have to respect my elders when all they do is tell me what to do. I am always alone during a gathering no matter what. I want to be someone else who is loved but I feel like that'll be impossible. I am tired of smiling people because I'm jealous of their happiness. Even if they are missing something in their life they are so happy. I feel rotten. Am I not appreciating what I have because I'm spoiled? Yeah it must be after all, I cause every argument in the family. 

Every time someone asks me how I am, I always say I'm fine. Than they leave when really I am anything but fine. However, lying is easier than telling the truth. There's a particularly saying that I like "there's a difference between being alone and feeling lonely". I may not be alone, but I feel very lonely. I always put on a mask. I fake my happiness that I don't even know which is the real me: the girl who doesn't show her emotions or the happy carefree girl. I feel so lost and I don't know what to do.

I am jealous of other people. Their perfect relationship with their siblings, always there for each other. unlike my sister who pretends that she doesn't even know me and always telling me to stay away form her. I am jealous of how their parents seem to get along. They never fight and always support their child. Mine compares me with others. They question me if I am wasting their money( the money used for my tutoring) and if I am even learning anything. I feel so stupid around them. They want me to apologize when this happen. Sometimes I feel like they don't really even care about my feelings. Or about me in general.

I wonder if anyone noticed my fake smiles and forced laughs. I wonder what you see when you look at me. I wonder if anyone even understand how I feel. I wonder about many things. I have restless nights and when I do they are all filled with a dark room or me falling endlessly. Why do I have to be so different. Why is it so hard to live when everyone says that every life is important. When I think about that, I think of all the animals and children abused; the animals butchered and hunted to satisfy our hunger; and all the animals who lose their lives because we are taking away their habitat.

Is life really meant to be this cruel because if it is I am not sure If I want to live here?

(Song is Can You Hold Me by NF ft. Britt Nicole)