Sander sides x Reader

Find the Light

A/N: I'm not really sure what this chapter is... A huge trigger warning for this,  if I even upload it... You don't have to read this... It's be better if you didn't. It's sad..

This was something I joked about.  Something that I thought would just go away after a few days.

I never thought it would be my escape. A place for me to go when things were going down hill.  A place for me to hide from the world while opening myself up at the same time. 

I never thought it would become something that helped me. 

It was supposed to be for giggles and laughs! It was supposed to be a place where I didn't have to show myself... Where I could see others without them seeing me. 

It wasn't supposed to be like this! I wasn't supposed to be so attached to something that could never help me.  I wasn't supposed to find a place like this!

Yet I'm still here, walking down this fucking road of turmoil and loss while holding this god damn phone that does nothing for me except lie and keep me hidden.

I didn't want to be like this! I didn't ask to be the way I am! I never wanted this to be my way of asking for help. I didn't want this to be my escape.

But I'm happy here.  The place that was supposed to disappear 3 years ago.  I've seen myself grow through words and just now am I actually starting to be proud of who I am.  Who I've become. Who I will be.

But there's still a darkness that follows me around,  everywhere I go.  It picks at me, bugs me about the small mistakes and things I can't control.  Being half deaf,  having dyslexia, having been abused. Things I never could have controlled but wish I could have.  Things that could change me. 

I don't want to be who I am.  I want to be different, look different, act different. I don't want expectations hanging around me and slowly getting tighter and tighter, making me gasp for breath like a noose. I've been begging for help but no one listens.

It's all in your head

You're too young for you to be stressed

You can't be depressed, you have responsibilities

You're just looking for attention

I can't take it anymore! I've been running and hiding from my problems for so long because everyone needs me.

I've been pushed to the pint where I'm terrified to be sad. To make mistakes. To open up..

To be human.

To be who I've always been because it's not what they want me to be. I'm being told that I have to stay strong because it's the only thing that will get me through...That it's the only way to get through.

But I don't want to just get through! I want it to be over! I want it to go away.  I don't want to be near it anymore.

I don't want to be near the sleepless nights,  the crying,  the screams into my pillow because I don't want to bother anyone,  dropping hints in my writing, the lying.  This mask that I put on every. Single. Day.  Just so I don't have to be face with the 'are you okay?'

I'm tired of lying.  I'm tired of trying to be okay for others sake.  I'm tire of being tired. 

I don't want to feel alone.  It scares me.  The night whispers to me,  making my heart pound.  The moon is no longer a sight that comforts me but a sign of heartache and nightmares. 

I want some one to love.  Someone to hold me close, to tell me I'll be okay.  To kiss me when I talk to much,  to laugh with me on the rare times I am happy.  To listen to my cries when no one will.  Someone who won't get tired of me.  Someone who will love me for me and not some fake character I've made to make people think I'm fine. Because I'm not fine!

I want to cut more! I want to scream and throw a tantrum. I want to sleep and never wake up.  I'm so young and yet...death is both a beautiful dream and an endless nightmare. 

I want to leave.  To escape into a black void with soft music that's a warm and welcoming feeling.  Something that will tell me that it's okay that I've given up.  That it doesn't care that I've become a coward. That I don't have to worry about being a failure. But I can't...

I can't leave the thought of a happy future... Of possibility having a beautiful daughter and a loving wife or husband. Of being truly happy.

Of being free.  Free from PTSD, free from physical limitations. Free from endlessly putting myself down and telling myself I'll never be good enough.  Free from him. The first one to walk away and continuously come back to ruin my life.  The reason my mother will never be able to love properly.  The reason my brothers will never be truly whole.

The reason I am who I am.. 

I want help.  I need help... But I'm too scared to ask.. To scared to show that there's something wrong with me...

So, until I can.  I'll stay here,  going through life like I always have.  Dragging myself to the next wall to pull myself up before getting picked down and beat up again by this lovely thing called life.  I'll keep finding reasons to get through it all.  Find reasons to keep living.

Until I find the light.