Love Is A Strong Word

Part 13||Flashback+YouTube

A/N: I was at camp, sorry I was gone so long <3
Imagine the picture above with...you guessed it....plain black converse :~)

HOPE'S POV:
I went back home.  
Not to my home.  But to the vlog house.  I mean, I can't say I WANT to be there but I am.  
I'm really grateful that I'm alive but....I'm not.  I just.  I don't KNOW anymore. 
Cause see, what sucks, is that I'm NOT alone.  That seems like a great thing but I wish I could just....take everyone else's depression and keep it.  Like, I have their depression and then everyone else in the world is happy.  I wish I was alone.  I wish I was the only person who felt like this.  Because feeling like this, is a horrible thing and I wish I could be able to say "I'm alone in feeling like this.  No one else is this sad" because that's a GOOD thing.  

But WHATEVER.  I guess I'll get over it....no i won't. 

I decide that I should probably sleep.  
Everyone tries to talk to me and it just pisses me off
"Hey, before you fake care about me, can I sleep? Kinda didn't do that last night or the night before so..."
They all just shut up and I walk into Alex's room.  
I curl up in his bed and fall asleep.  

"You disgusting creep!" my dad shouts at me

"I didn't do ANYTHING!" I shout
"You're GAY!" He screams
"Pansexual, actually" I say
"I don't fucking care.  What did I say about being weird?!" he yells
"Uh, not to do it.  So I decided not to be weird.  Still not" I say
"You are weird, you panasexual" he says, making me laugh at the fact that he completely mispronounced that.
"Pan-sexual, dad.  Not pana" I say, trying not to laugh
"Do you think I care?! I don't WANT to be able to say it" he shouts, walking towards me
He reaches his arm out and I flinch
He picks me up and pushes me against the wall
He makes a fist and aims it at my stomach

I scream for help

I wake up, sobbing.  I'm incredibly sweaty and I'm assuming my face is sweaty but I can't differ the face sweat from the tears

Gabbie comes running into the room

She takes one look at me and just understands

She knows I've been having these flashbacks literally since I left the house.  

She gets on the bed and wraps her arms around me

I lean into her shoulder and cry.  

I see Scotty, David, Liza, Kristen, Alex, Todd, Zane, and Heath all outside the door; Gabbie waves them all away.  
They all leave.  Alex hesitates, but after a death glare from Gabbie, he walks away, shutting the door behind him.  

"Which one?" she whispers
"pana" I say
her grip tightens and I look up at her.  I see a tear slip down her cheek.  I know she wishes these flashbacks would stop but they aren't GOING to stop.  

I am not going to PRETEND that these things aren't happening
I literally can't pretend that.  
I'm pretty sure I screamed in real life and I don't think I can just, not scream.  

"Did I scream?" I asked
"Yeah" she whispers
"I'm such a fuck-up.  Everyone in the vlogsquad is going to hate me now." I say
"Not even true" she says
"I'm gonna go home.  You'll still be my best and only friend but I'm done with the vlogsquad.  I like them a lot but like, just...no" I say
"What do you mean 'no'" she asks
"They don't like me.  Just remember that.  They were so happy when I wasn't there.  I have brought them into drama and they chased after me for god's sake.  I just make everything difficult; I'm gonna go." I say
"They love you" she says
"I just need a break" I say
"and alex?" she asks
"I'm not going to break up with him but he'll break up with me and honestly, I'm 100% okay with that.  Like, I totally understand.  He wants to date someone who gets along with his friends, and i don't.  I like them but he probably wants to date someone his friends like." I say
And before she can talk me out of it, I get up and leave.  I walk past everyone, ignoring them, and I walk straight out of the house.  I walk to my car and get in.  I drive to my house.  I walk inside and put on my outfit (picture above).  

I got out my camera and circle light that Gabbie had left here.  I set it all up and sat down. 

"Hey guys, I'm Hope. You may know me from one of David's vlogs as Alex's girlfriend.  Well, I decided to start a YouTube channel.  Am I the most interesting person? No.  But the very least I can say is I relate to a LOT of people.  I love Panic!, Twenty One Pilots, and the VlogSquad.  I'm super self-conscious and have really bad anxiety.  So I guess I relate to many-a-people.  Well, today, I decided to start off my YouTube career by making a video explaining my meeting the vlogsquad.  
It was at a YouTuber party.  I was Gabbie's plus one because we've been best frens for years so...  I went there, being all awkward with my head down.  Gabbie introduced me" and I basically described the whole experience and everyone's personalities.  I finish the video by saying "Stay Alive Frens" and then edit the video
I uploaded the video under my YouTube name "HopesFine"

I didn't really get any views the first minute that I watched, as this was my first YouTube video and all so...

I layed down and there was a knock on my door 
"IT'S OPEN" I called from the couch
Gabbie walked in
"congrats!" she said

A/N:
SSSSSSSSSSSSUUUUUUUUUUUPPPPPPPPP?????
SO GUESS WHAT?

I'M BACK!

GUESS WHAT ELSE?
MY ARM IS STILL RED FROM SNAPPING MY RUBBER BAND 2 HOURS AGO! FUCK!
BUT THAT'S OKAY!!!
ANYWAY, I LOVE Y'ALL SO MUCH, THANKS FOR READING MAH STORY! MEANS A LOT TO ME!

COMMENT WHAT SHOULD HAPPEN NEXT!

STAY ALIVE FRENS ||-//