trigger warning
I've been thinking about dying a lot recently. I'm not suicidal. I don't particularly want to die, on a normal day. but I can't stop thinking about it. I took a trip to London recently, and every time I went into the underground I imagined throwing myself in front of a train. I imagined terrorist attacks while walking along the street. Cars crashing into me. Jumping out of the plane and hitting the ground.
what's weird is that I'm not anxious about these things happening. I'm almost indifferent. like I don't want to die but if it happened I would be all the bothered about it. My only thought is that I don't want anyone to read my journals. that's what matters. It makes me think something is off.
Yesterday, we were looking for a place to eat, and whenever my mom asked my opinion I said I didn't know it didn't care, and my mom said, "I can't make you happy or sad; I don't know what to do." that really hit me. maybe I'm not as good at acting as I think.
also when I realize that my mom is my best friend. not sure if that's sad or not.
//I wrote this ages ago just never published it, I'm kinda in a better place now. I only occasionally think about walking downtown and flinging myself into the cuyahoga river, or slitting my wrists and wandering into cuyahoga Vally national park, never to be found, or just not getting out of bed until I starve to death. ill be ok.
