Ive been avoiding my friends. I don't have any real friends here. anytime I see k or c or j or any of them in public I pretend I don't see them or go the other way or or if they talk to me I hang around for a few minutes then find a reason to leave. I don't know if that makes me a bad person. I just like to be alone. maybe that's why M is so good for me. he's not really here. I don't have to deal with normal social interaction. if I don't feel like talking I can just ignore the text and pretend im busy.
I should probably see a therapist or something . or a doctor. I know you aren't supposed to self diagnose but I think im on the spectrum. I did lots of research and took like three different tests that are supposedly "official". it would make a lot of sense. I just want to know if something is wrong with me so I can stop feeling like a freak.
my mom has been forcing me to be social. even though I know I don't actually have to do what she says, and if I lied she wouldn't know, im so far away now, but I still feel like I have to do what she says. so I invited r to see Jojo rabbit with me. she's really nice, she notices things about me that other people don't. I wish I could be that kind of person. I wish I could understand them like she does. I would like to kiss her if I didn't have m. I would feel too guilty, though, so I won't probably ever kiss her. and even if I did then she would know and it would be messy there would be feelings and I dont like that. maybe that's why I don't like people, messy, feelings, I don't understand why they're like that. it seems so exhausting and pointless. r says how she's feeling, even though she might be lying sometimes, but I can't reallytell. she just wants to be nice and happy and its simple and I like that. im afraid to go deeper though. I might find something I don't like. kissing seems gross anyways.
its weird that im saying this when my best friend in the whole world back at home has unchecked bipolar depression and uncontrollable emotions and irrational behavior. we balance each other, I think. she feels for both of us and Im her voice of reason. its just a thing, he's just a boy, she's jus a girl, this is just life. she cries so much. and I don't always know what to do. but im happy she's alive and I have her. she might be my only real friend. when I go back home for break we're going to steal the R from the old toys r us sign behind the mall. its abandoned and she said she wants it. and I want to be reckless for once, be like her and not care.
earlier today my roommate a and her friends whose names I don't remember were standing around and drinking white claw and listening to music and dancing too loud while they got ready to go to a party. I was in bed rewatching merlin and trying to ignore it. but for a moment I hated them. they offered me a drink but I said no. I've never been drunk before and Im scared. a while ago her friend asked if I wanted to get high with them. im scared. I don't know what im doing. I feel like im too immature to be here but at the same time I feel so much older than them. I've never even kissed anyone. I don't know if I want to. it seems gross, so does sex. im not asexual though. im just scared. of everything.
I slipped into a fictional world again. it hasn't happened it a while. ive been there for the past two months but now im coming out of it and its making me depressed. I don't wants to be in reality. I want to pretend im a powerful sorceress who lies easily and makes men fall in love with her and then doesn't love them back and doesn't feel guilty about other peoples emotions. I want to make up the story in my head where im the main character and I can do anything I want. im the first woman on mars with a PhD in microbiology and astrobiology and im studying the origins of life and im in love and awesome. or im a published poet, living in some old and beautiful european city where I haunt coffee shops and used bookstores and live with my cat and my books and my guitar. or im me. and I find someone who understands, or someone who doesn't need to understand, and we go on adventures and fix things that are broken. and I become better. and they do to.
I just want more.
