I have an addiction. Yes, I admit it. But then again, don't we all have a habit to which we fall? Don't shift in your spot and tell me you're not when it's clear in your eyes that the secrets and lies you keep hold you in fear and anticipation, and the constant contemplation of that bittersweet temptation weighs heavy in your heart. I'm not here to start a therapy session, but I have an addiction. I don't know if it's an accurate description of all the other addictions out there, but I am aware that I am in need of assistance with this mental prison sentence I inflicted on myself. It's not that I reach for the substance on the shelf or raise a bottle to my lips, but I need tips on how to win redemption and conquer my demons, my affliction.
How do I cleanse my brain of that thought that I won't get caught, that I am still sane? What advice can break the ice that has frozen me in this spot, that will keep the flames from getting too hot and burning me even more? How can I ignore the key in the door that leads to gilded regret, that makes me forget my basic needs of eating, sleeping and friends? Please, what can I do to remember what's true and stay above the water, to prove that I still want to be a good student and daughter? How do I not succumb and not grow numb to the evil inclination that drives my temptation to experience that guilty, yet pleasurable sensation? How do I gain control over that which consumed my soul and led me to believe that I wasn't in any danger, a belief that was enlightened by my parents' anger?
What can I do to be rid of this lust that made me lose my mother's trust, that made my father so scared for me he wanted to fly me home? If only I had known that this is what would be, then maybe I wouldn't have fallen so deep with sad stupidity. But no, I let myself be blind with that one thought on my mind, and now, inside, I am screaming in Purgatory, wishing that I could rewrite my story and fix what my addiction destroyed. Yes, I need a doctor, but I cannot go back in time and make it all sublime and proper. For my mistakes, I must suffer, now that my life is even tougher than before. My hunger yearns and begs for more, driving me insane. Thus I struggle to regain a purpose in my life, and mend the bond I severed between daughter, dad and mom.
Yes, I have an addiction, and it is a challenge I wish to overcome.
*Note: This poem was first written on March 31, 2015 and posted on my blog a month later. I have since overcome my struggle and am no longer in danger of the destructive habit that this poem was written for. However, just because I bested one does not mean I won't develop another. Even after all this time, I must remain vigilant. I hope this poem will reach out to others who face the same predicament.
