[Venice; The court of justice]
(Enter Antonio, Bassanio, Shylock & the Duke of Venice)
Shylock: Give me my money.
Antonio: I don't have any money. I'm bankrupt! I lost a bloody ship, asshole!
Shylock (sharpening his knife while grinning evilly): Then I'll take a pound of your flesh from any part I desire, be it your dick.
Duke (on the verge of tears): Have mercy on the poor guy!!
Shylock: You think? No freaking way. As of now, I'm not just pissed. I'm double pissed. You know, why?
Duke: I'm not telepathic, if that's what you're implying...
Shylock: You're pissing me off even more.
Duke: Okay, sorry. Go on.
Shylock: (Points at Antonio) This man's Christian friend, CHRISTIAN friend, ran away with my daughter. Not just that, they flocked all of my money and gold and diamonds and riches, whatever I had. All of them deserve to DIE.
Duke: Surely, it couldn't have been that bad...
Shylock: What did you say?
Duke: Nothing, sir. Nothing. (Pretty much scared shitless).
Bassanio: (Whispering to Antonio) you're truly screwed.
Antonio: It's all YOUR fault.
Bassanio: Seriously? Blame all of it on me, will you? YOU agreed on this sketchy bond, not I!
Shylock: (Knife at Antonio's throat) Any last words, bro?
Antonio: I'm sexy and I know it.
Duke: What the hell?
Antonio: What? It's profound and it applies!
Duke: To hell with you! Shylock, man, kill him. What a pain in the ass.
(Enter Nerissa, dressed as a lawyer's clerk)
Nerissa: Hey freaks, the lawyer Bellario is sick and sorta' psychotic, right now, as we speak, so he sends another learned lawyer who goes by the name of Balthazar. Sound good?
Duke: Fine, alright, whatever.
Nerissa: I knew you were crushing on Bellario, I just knew! I mean, I can practically feel the tension.
Duke: Just bring your fucking lawyer in, dammit.
(Enter Portia, dressed as a lawyer)
Portia (Balthazar): Hey fellas, what's up?!
Duke: I thought you knew what was up...?
Portia: Oh, right. Shylock, my man! Let the poor man Antonio, go. Please.
Shylock: Wrong description, chap. He's rich, not poor.
Portia: That's not what I meant. But, that's beside the point. Leave Antonio alone, okay?
Shylock: No?
Portia: Well then, I have no choice but to challenge you with law.
Shylock: I'm not afraid.
Portia: Take the flesh, just like the bond says.
But, you cannot spill a single drop of Antonio's blood. If you do spill even a drop of blood, you will be sentenced to death.
Bassanio: So, in short...
Portia: Basically, you're fucked.
Shylock: Okay, I give up.
Duke: So, I hereby announce that Antonio is free of the bond!
Antonio: About fucking time!
(Exit everyone).
