Fragment Thoughts || Rants & Thoughts

To lose yourself as a writer

There were many reasons I decided to take a break from this website.

One of those many was the fact that I had grown to absolutely detest the way I wrote. I couldn't read my books without cringing. I couldn't read other people's stories without comparing them to mine and desperately wanting to convey words into images like they so beautifully did. Of course, everyone gets these little pieces of self-doubt but there comes a point when you realise that you're in too deep and you need to step back from the fire before you get burnt.

That's what I tried to do.

I can't tell you how utterly humiliating it feels to look at your own writing, your own hard -work and hate all of it. Every word could have been improved on, every sentence more imaginative and every story - better. Writing has always been a hobby for me,the endgame was never publishing (although once upon a time when I was young the dream was to be an author but we won't dwell on that) so it confused me that I was feeling this way, after all, there was no expectation for my work to be of a certain standard. I just had to write and feel comfortable in what I wrote. But for some reason, I found that so hard to do.

I'm not sure why it happened. It was just like one day I was pondering on my work and suddenly I saw a new perspective, one I didn't particularly like. There are so many talented, talented writers on this platform so for me, it didn't help seeing better people everywhere I went. 

So I took a break. And in some ways, it's helped. For a good year and a bit I didn't touch any of my old stories. I unpublished every single book I had - I couldn't leave them up there knowing I didn't feel proud of them. I completely shut myself off from Wattpad. I did sometimes pop in due to curiosity but never stayed long enough to make it count. And in ways, it was probably one of the best things I could have done. 

I still feel inadequate about my work sometimes, but much less to the extent that I used to. I feel ready to try writing again - even excited because I've been away for so long. When I see other peoples work, sure I feel envious that they could write so beautifully and want to capture that in my own work, but more than that I feel happy for them- such a raw talent is beautiful to have and I was glad that they had decided to share it to others. 

I'm writing again - truthfully, I didn't think I would be. I'd gotten comfortable not writing so I forgot what it felt like to write. I can honestly say that I am slowly but surely finding my love for writing again. I tried writing a chapter today for the first time. I screwed it up and started writing it in first person when it should have been in third. Midway through I also changed the plot and had to adjust to that so it's been a real rollercoaster - I'm still not done, it's taken me hours but it's been well worth it. It's been hard and I've been second-guessing every sentence I'm writing. I'm guessing it's just residual insecurity that I'm hoping will decrease over time. 

If my sentences seem choppy and jumbled it's because they are - this isn't like my other rants. 

I guess this is less of a rant and more of a 'let me vomit all my emotions out onto a page because I cannot be asked to go to a therapist again.' There is no moral to this piece. I'm not telling you that you should or shouldn't feel this way, nor am I going to tell you what you should do if you ever reach that point because I don't even think I know the answer to that. Maybe one day I can find out but for now I'm content writing again. 

(may or may not delete this chapter later depending on how I feel - I'm not very good with emotions)