One Night, One Day, One Year, One Lifetime

Six

I did not know how long I slept for. When I woke, I was already on a bed, and I was glad that Gao Fei did not abandon me in the car. My mind was in a daze, and the first thing I did upon waking up was to search for my medication. I flipped open the box, and without taking a sip of water, swallowed the capsules whole.

Actually, my medicines were easy to find. I did not hide them away like a precious treasure to be buried. Instead, I placed them all in the drawer by my bedside. If one were to bend down and open the first shelf of the cupboard, they would be greeted with an entire shelf full of it.

My mind was a little strange. I did not wish for Gao Fei to discover them, but a part of me also hoped that he would find them, for it would at least show that he cared for me. So, I remained conflicted, struggling between my two polarising wishes. Yet with the passing of time, I soon understood that my internal turmoil was for naught. Gao Fei would never discover them, for he had never willingly touched any of my possessions.

As I had not brushed my teeth nor drunk any water, after I ate my medicine, my mouth was filled with a bitter taste. I left my bed, washed up, then start to look for Gao Fei. But even after I searched the entire house for him, I was still unable to find him. Only then did I realise that the hours had long passed, and Gao Fei must have already left for work.

Except, even after evening rolled around, Gao Fei still did not return. I held my phone within my hands, my heart anxious. I did not know if Gao Fei had met with an accident or otherwise, so I continued to call him, over and over. Finally, after a dozen calls, my call connected.

'Gao Fei, where are you? Why aren't you home?' Hurriedly, I blurted the questions which had been tormenting my heart, wishing with my entire soul to be by his side at this very moment.

It was clear that Gao Fei was irritated. With a voice full of exasperation, he said, 'Since when did I tell you I was coming home?'

I was about to say something when I heard a woman's voice echo from within the phone.

She said, 'Fei, why have you come?'

I did not need to guess who that voice belonged to. It belonged to Gao Fei's first love, the other half of the pair of lovers which I had painstakingly broken apart. But I knew that this was not the time to be calculative, so I chose not to act in the ways often shown in television, to slam the phone with a bang. Instead, I forced myself to remain oblivious, pretending I had not heard a thing as I continued to speak gently with Gao Fei.

But how could I have forgotten?

I was willing to continue the conversation, but it did not mean that the other party was also willing. With a click, Gao Fei ended the call.

For two weeks, he did not return.

I held onto my phone as I curled up on the sofa. My vision blurred as I stared out of the windows to look at the darkening skies, the golden sunset slowly eclipsed by the blackness of the night.

But no matter how I searched, within the reflection, there was only my shadow.

***

5th April. Sunny.

This year's Qingming Festival was better than last year's. I remembered that last year, on this Tomb-Sweeping Day where I paid my respects to my father, the skies had been drizzling with fine rain. This year, several people had arrived to sweep the tombs of their ancestors, but my father's tomb remained desolate. I did not bring any chrysanthemum flowers. Instead, I brought the sunflowers which he had loved.

I placed the flowers down, swept his tomb, then cleaned his tombstone. I was deeply engrossed with my work. I thought that this was the best I had ever been in attending to my father's tomb.