and with the deafening mind of hers came a sorrow she submitted to. it was as if she was submerged underwater for years of her life, solely being focused on how everything was amplified beneath the surface. it was all very loud, similar to the volum...
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september 27th
'chew her up and spit her out' seems to be written on her forehead as she goes about life. quite a shame she's never learned to shield herself, instead cowering at people's blatant wrongdoings and apologizing for things she cannot help.
she is not as she'd like to be; strong, well-spoken, confident. it all fades into the realm of her dreams she seldom allows for herself where she can be anyone her mind conjures up. any time she had felt those characteristics for herself in the slightest, they were ripped away and torn to shreds.
he kisses her goodbye, knowing she'll be right where he left her when he returns, expecting nothing less. hearing the front door shut and lock is her exhale of relief. seeing his car disappear down the street is her inhale of calm. his absence is her freedom. she can simply exist.
you would think that a small town would talk. and they do talk. however, there is no talking regarding her flinching when someone in the market drops something, or the bruising that decorates her skin, or the constant fake smiles she flashes. no, the only talking is about how great of a couple they are to be young and in love and happy, or about the police chief's son getting caught vandalizing the side of the church he's been habitually attending every sunday since he was brought home from the hospital.
and she thinks to herself, maybe that's a good thing. because it's not all flinching, and bruising, and fake smiles. when they're alone it can be soft kisses, sincere apologies, and late nights between the sheets.
when he leaves, there's a guilt that resides in her soul for what she feels. she should miss him. she should be awaiting the moment he comes home. shouldn't she?
instead she always finds herself on the small hike up the hill to the cliff between the trees and through the dirt overlooking the river. there she's allowed to feel, and allowed to think. yet, it always leads to tears and sorrow.
not for what she goes home to everyday, but for what her mind tells her. it's the reason she went to therapy, and the reason she was on medication before he convinced her otherwise.
"you're happy. we're happy," he would tell her. if only it were that easy. if simply saying she felt happiness could submerge her in that emotion, she would be the sunshine reflecting on the water below her.
she wiped at her tears that refused to stop while she looked down at her swinging legs. one thrust forward and it's all over. just one.
"wow, this is amazing," a voice startled her and nearly made her fall forward to her end. he saw her grab at the ground in fear of falling over, not realizing how close to the edge she was. "i am so sorry. i didn't mean to scare you."
