Rain and Olive

rain//4

I had called him Olly. I felt a rush of hard memories. My feelings for Olive were so confusing. I love him, but I couldn't love him and I don't love him. Our conversations are what I don't understand. It's a complete la la land and in it I love him. In the real, every day life I don't love him. And I don't understand what that could mean.

Lucas shook his head slightly, "So, what was that about?"

"We're going to Tiny's," I replied and messed with the wrapper of my cupcake.

"You and Olive?" Lucas raised his eyebrows.

I nodded and put my head in my hands. Lucas walked around the counter and put his arm around me. I took a deep breath and looked up at Lucas. "Let's get back to work," I murmured.

I worked to the end of my shift and hugged Lucas goodbye. He promised that by tomorrow he would have a picture of him and Ivory's wedding cake. At least that way if Tiny's went terrible I had something to look forward to.

Driving back to the apartment, I thought about what Olive could think of me. I wondered if he felt the same la la land I did. I could ask him, but we said to not speak about feelings anymore.

I told Amethyst about Tiny's with Olive. She didn't approve of the idea, but understood I needed a type of closer. I didn't want closer. I want to see Olly and Blue.

Instead of chilling in the living room, I took a shower and then retired to my room to do school. Amethyst kept peering into my room. She checked on me like I was a little kid. I'm not even close to a little kid. Anyway, I'm never letting Olive hurt me again. Amethyst didn't need to worry for me.

I remember Olive and I's first date at Tiny's. It was a very sunny day in the city. We sat outside because Olive always preferred to sit outside at restaurants. Since Olive and I were friends before we began dating, we were basically already girlfriend and boyfriend. On our first date it felt like we had been together already for a long time. After ordering our food, Olive had been showing me pictures of Blue and when I had stolen his phone to take a closer look at the pictures, I had touched Olive's hand accidentally. When the phone came into my hand, Olive's hand came with it. We held hands almost the whole date.

I finished my night by reading my book. I was reading Eleanor and Park by: Rainbow Rowell. It had been sitting on my book self for months and I had just now gotten around to reading it. I wanted Eleanor and Park to end up together.

Laying in bed, I found sleep didn't come easily. I stared at the ceiling in frustration. I was nervous about meeting up with Olive. I think I'm a little afraid of him. He hurt me so badly, before.

My mother always has said when you're afraid of something all you have to do to get over it is take a deep breath and jump. She always says you can always stay on the edge and make reasons why not to jump, but that's not a life. You have to jump so you can experience everything in your life, even the bad things.

I feel with Olive this advice is very important. He might be bad. But, shouldn't I get the experience? If I did get hurt, I would never have to get hurt by him again.