MY WONDERFUL BLUE (Lesbian stories)

Chapter 3 (unedited)

My mother was a loud woman that felt like everyone is beneath her that felt like she is the only one that can do things perfectly, with her bipolar like attitude and her bullying tendencies I fear her no not respect but fear because that's what she wants to have people quivering at her feet.

My mother was never one to be tactful so I wasn't the lease surprised when she insulted and hit me at school, in public, even in front of her 'friend'.

She would throw insult after insult not caring about the backlash and what it does not to the persons self esteem, she ranted about how other person food was like garbage compared to hers or how a person looked or even how foolish she thought they were, no one was excluded. she lashed out at me, her husband, her 'friend' no one was spared from the banters.

Her words were painful and downright cruel. Her insults weren't sarcastic or  petty they were mean, cold, heartless. And the louder the better she would go on and on about something  someone did months ago.

I pegged her attitude for how she was treated at one point I even pegged her as a nilly someone who hat needed love and attention but nope that's not her she just wanted everybody to feel beneath her. She would just point out my flaws as if I don't already know them.

Years from now I can just imagine her ranting  about the same old silly things. too bad no one will be listening. it would be another washed and used up banter that no one cares about.

Until then I will have have let her be.

'Someday I'll be living in a big old city and all your ever gonna be is mean.'  my phone played while I sat in my room with tears in my eyes.

So because  all of this I don't know why Lynn would have wanted me I'm just as broken as Jeffrey Dahmer with less pedophilia and human consumption(I'm a vegetarian), sometimes it gets to me so much that I just want to rid the earth of someone filthy as myself, I almost succeeded once.

***

'Do not take more than six packet of pills in a twelve hour window.'

One packet

Two packet

Three packet

Four packet

Five packet

........

Five packets of pills in one hour and I was itching for the last packet , life was hard everything seemed to be my fault I got blamed for everything.

Suicide was not something I tried to do for attention  I just wanted it to stop the pain the hate the cries at night because I was always being blamed for things I didn't do because I was being blamed for not being smart enough or skinny enough. suicide wasn't something I did just because, its something I attempted because I was just tried.

I didn't get my six packet of pill instead I got patents looking at me with disgust and  embarrassment.

For a week or less I got asked why I did it shrugging I made up  a bullshit response about being forced to be anti social they didn't and still don't know me.

I think I'm going crazy.

Dear god please help me.

This was a time when I still thought god was there but I found out he's  not, and wont be there if you are not perfect or if are not biblically perfect, I also found out that he is also a sexist.

A/N; I wrote this after another banter on my self esteem while listening to Taylor swift  mean.