Flower Boy (BoyxBoy)

xlii

edd.

I CALLED CHRIS AND TOLD HIM TO COME OVER BEFORE HE WENT TO WORK. After last night with Kevin, I decided that I must break things off with him, not only thanks to Kevin's advice, but also due to how he made me feel last night.  For the first time in a long time, I felt someone's touch without being scared.  A man could take my hand, hold me tight against his chest and sleep in the same bed as me, and I didn't feel any anxiety.  That must mean something, right? 

Since I never really was very interested in finding a relationship, I think I may be hurting Chris by staying.  Not only that, but I don't think we have the same values or boundaries; I don't think he understands my boundaries.  I don't blame him for that, but it's making each time we see each other more stressful.  I'm always worried he'll do something I don't like or touch me somewhere that sends me somewhere else, like at the pottery shop.

It's been a month and a few days since we've started seeing each other, but I've known since the beginning that I wasn't completely comfortable with our relationship. Even worse, I'm worried that I may have taken the attention Chris gave me as a replacement for Kevin's.

When Chris got to the apartment it was around ten a.m.  I was shocked to see him so excited. It made me feel bad about what I was going to tell him.

"Hey, Edd, what's up?"

He hugged me quickly before coming inside, as he always did.  I smile at him and lead him into the dining room. He takes a seat as I prepare coffee.

"How are you?" I ask. "It's been a while."

"Good, Good. You?"

"I'm well," I smile. "Have you eaten?"

Chris laughs quietly. I imagine him shaking his head as he says, "No, I don't really do breakfast."

I click my tongue as I gather two coffee cups. "I am disappointed, Chris! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, after all."

As I set down the mugs and begin to scoop coffee grounds into the coffee pot, I hear the chair screech behind me.  I don't think much about it, but then I feel Chris' chest against my back. Arms wrap around my chest like a powerful boa and his hands plant in the curve of my waist, making my heart race. Chris whispers in my ear, "I can think of lots of other things I'd rather do in the morning than eat breakfast."

All I can manage to say is, "Oh?"

I cringe as his hands slowly rub over my chest. Thoughts of I'm scared and Why can't I say anything?  invade my mind as I take a deep breath and I clench my shaking hands.

"I know you don't like being touched," he says. "But I think maybe you're just embarrassed. You're just shy, right?"

I shake my head. "I'm not sure--ah!" I'm interrupted by my own gasp, covering my mouth as his left hand gripped the back of my thigh suddenly.

I don't want this.

But maybe he's right.

He isn't.

You need help--talking won't cure you.

I don't want this I don't want this I don't want this I don't want this I don't want this

"It's been a while for you, right? Don't worry, I won't hurt you, I promise."

As if instinctually, my eyes closed and I let Chris' hand moves to my groin.  Nobody's home and I don't know what else to do.  If I tell him I don't want to do this, he might hit me like Alex used to. I'm so terrified, but I'm pathetic for not being able to help myself.