Flower Boy (BoyxBoy)

lxiii

kevin.

SO, WE'RE SITTING IN BED TOGETHER NOW.  We just finished eating, and Edd is reading a book called The Stranger.  I asked him about it and he handed it to me.  He told me it was about a Frenchman who is emotionally absent, not only at his mother's funeral, but in his relationship and his daily life.  "That sounds like an interesting book," I say.  "I enjoy it," He says.  And we go back to the silence.

My heart is racing right now, and as I survey the dark blue novel in my hands, I notice they're shaking.  They don't usually do that when I'm nervous, which scares me.  I'm really, really terrified right now of what's going to happen as soon as I open my mouth and say, "Edd, I have to tell you something."  My mouth feels like cotton, and my nails are completely bitten off. 

I need a cigarette before I do this, I tell myself.  So I get up slowly from our bed and walk outside, telling Edd I'm going out.  He asks if I want him to come out too, but I tell him it's okay and I leave.  In the five minutes it takes me to finish my cigarette, I don't think I finally find a conversation that I'm okay with starting, but maybe I'm more prepared for the end result.

Walking inside my home I felt like I was on death row.  Everything was in slow motion as I walked through the foyer, past the kitchen, and back into our bedroom.  I sit down on the bed with a bounce, and Edd looks at me.

"Hi," he says.

"Hi," I say.  I smile, but it fades quickly. 

Edd sighs and puts his book on the bedside table.  He turns to me with his legs folded.  "Really, Kevin, are you okay?  You can tell me if something is wrong."

I take a deep breath.  Now I have to do it.

"Edd, I have to tell you something."

He frowns, and I frown, and then I continue.  "You're really, really important to me, Edd.  I love--" I almost say "you" but I stop myself.  "-- being with you, and I love living here.  Before I knew you, I was really interested in everything about you.  You were always on my mind, and when I saw the name 'Eddward' on my paper in class, I wanted to make sure if it was you or not."

"What?" He says, defensive.  "What are you talking about?"

"Just listen to me.  When I noticed the name on the paper was spelled with two D's, I just--I didn't know if it was you so I felt like I had to find out."

"Is this about your paper?"  He asks.  "Oh, my God."

"Stop.  Please, listen." I run a hand through my hair and sigh, throwing my hands down to my knees, palms up in frustration.  "I never expected that we'd ever get this close, and I promise you that every second that I listened to your tapes I hated myself for it.  I've been struggling with telling you or not for a few weeks, and I think you deserve to know, even though you said you wouldn't want to know something like this.  But I want you to know.  And I don't want you to be angry, because I feel like I understand you better now and I just--I want to be here for you."

I wait for him to say something.  He stares at me instead, his mouth opened slightly and his eyes shiny.  He stands up slowly from the bed and walks toward the wall.  As he walks away, his arms raise and the heels of his hands palm his forehead.

"I cannot believe this," he says, a whimper.  "So you heard everything?"

"Well... I didn't listen to the last one."

Edd laughs manically, as if he can't even comprehend what I'm saying.  He turns to me, a desperate look spread across his face.  "Do you know how many times I talked about you?  About things that people I love weren't supposed to hear?" He laughs again.  "Of course you know, you listened to them."