Poems of the Atmos

I Missed My Exam. 17th August, 2018.

I missed an exam.
I missed my exam today.
It was my first time doing such a thing-

I feel as if I've lost my mind.

I look at the laptop as I wait for my lecturer to send me her email address
So that
At least
I can salvage my CAT marks-

I laugh!
I cry!
I laugh!

That I felt so in control today.
Dishes pile in the sink and the lazy haze of sunny weather clouded me into this idyllic scenery-

Madness!
Treachery of the heart!
Woe to me as I feed on my well-earned reaping.

Such is the fate...of a lazy man.
I say to myself, "...f-f-fuck."
And the tears fall aside a crazed grin looking up at the ceiling.

Autumn leaves of mellow yellow and golden orange
Comfort me from within the duvet
as I lean back
Worthless
Into the dining chair, my gaze left to rise and see birthday cards-

I laugh!
I cry!
I laugh!

To recall every text
Call
Card
Email
And hug of support these last 4 years-

No.

These last 23 years of my pathetic existence
And remember that I missed an exam....
An end term exam...
My last year's exam....
My last benchmark before another test-

I cry and laugh!
I laugh and cry!
I cry! I laugh!
To laugh! To cry!

THERE'S STILL THE GRAD PROJECT TO DO!

Laughter breaks with sobs as the world fades into disarray.
My mother's text is suddenly very glaring: "Hi sweetie. What time is your exam? IT'S YOUR LAST? Yeeeeeeeeeeeh!"

Mother...I love you terribly so
But I've never hated your words more than I do now.
The juxsta of your love and expectations for me against the stark reality of my failures hurts so much.

Let me blow my nose.
The tears returned just now....

I never thought I would return to this point.
I stood up and wandered from the dining table with my books and have never felt so lost in this small house.
It was like...I needed to break something.
Anything.
When was the last time I thought of suicide?

Why the hell did I get back here?

My lecturer still hasn't emailed me....
I don't want to call Ma.
At least she's out of town so I can say those words over the phone-
No. Let me text.

No.
Let's be respectful.
The least I could do is that since I splendidly failed at everything else.

But still...I really don't want to see her face fall....

Ah.
It's raining.
Is this God's way of comforting me?
Telling me that it's okay to cry?
The consolation promises to be temporary...
but at least it is better than nothing.

Hey.
Can I tell you something hilarious?
In the last three months my entire future has faded away.
I'm no longer sure what I'll study next and my project pends dangerously....
I'm a graduate this year-
It's great and all...but I'm not exactly helping my sitiation-
And one clarified worse so with the fact half a year passed in lecturer strikes and political intrigue.

I want to drink-
To do something
Make chaos.
Just...fade.

I missed an exam...
A fucking...exam.
Most people may say,-
"Ah, its nothing. You'll be fine. Just arrange for a make-up, yeah?"
You don't understand though.
I'm a perfectionist. I have set standards for myself-
Which is more than what some people are self-aware about-
And even if I fall short of them, I reflect.
I'm self-aware.
Aware.

I know what exams are.
That's why I've lost it.

I missed an exam....

This may be my last entry in a while.
If it turns out to be my last ever
At least
Bear witness of my guilt and self-scorn.
Thanks.

I needed a shoulder to cry on.