Flower Child

Chapter Twenty Three

Four days had passed since Four had found out about my Divergence. In that time, I've only been put through one new fear, and had relived the other two. The new fear, is terrible.

I'm in a dark room and there is a small table in front of me, a black gun rests on top of it. On the other side of the table, my mom, brother, and Celeste are tied to chairs. They stare at me blankly, their eyes void of the usual warmth that is always in them. I know it isn't real because of it.
"Shoot them," a voice says.
It's the same voice from my aptitude test. I look for the voice but I can't find it. I try to go to my family but their is an invisible wall that stops me.
"Shoot them," it says again, "they've committed unspeakable crimes."
I shake my head, "no, no, no. I- I can't."
"You have to," it says, "aren't you Dauntless? Do you your job."
My mother is in the center and her eyes bore into mine.
It's not real. This isn't real. That's not your mother. No it's not real.
I lift the gun and my hands tremble, this isn't real. I can't do it. I take the gun and I shoot myself.

When I had woken up from that one I had pushed Four's helping hand away from me as I slid off the chair. He had tried to talk to me, calm me down, but I just wiped my eyes and stalked out of the room through the back door.
Over the past four days, Uriah, Mar, Lynn, and I had been helping each other cope with the difficult process, but tonight, I just want to be alone. Today's sim had been the second fear, and I can't look at my friends faces without seeing their dead eyes.
So I found my way to the net. It's where we first came into this life, maybe it'll help remind me why I did. I climb onto it and roll into the center. The rope cradles my body as I stare up through the hole in the roof.
I remember looking down into the hole when I was on that ledge, I remember jumping off and staring at the blue sky above me. I didn't care if I died in that moment, because life seemed so beautiful and the adrenaline I felt in my veins was enough to make me fearless. That's why I joined, to feel alive, not to watch my friends die over and over again, or shoot my family, or be thrown into a room of nothingness.
Half me wonders if it's worth it, this torture, to be Dauntless. Half of me knows it is. I loved my life in Amity, I loved my friends, my family, the fields, and the people, but it was never enough. I could run for days there, climb to the tops of trees, but it could never compare to this. Here, I run alongside trains, I climb Ferris Wheels, I jump off roofs and fly down to the bottom. Dauntless is where I belong because I can be who I am. I can fight because I'm brave, or because I'm selfless. I can win because I'm smart and I'm willing to fight for peace. I can honestly say who I am because I know there are others who feel the same way.
I am Dauntless, but I am also Divergent.

Today is a repeat of yesterday. I'm in the tank and the water is steadily rising as outside my friends are being killed by the faceless man. I scream and cry for them, trying to break the glass without my Divergence, it never works. The water covers me and I let myself drown because I know it's not real.
When I gasp awake, Four is just staring at me. He doesn't say anything, doesn't move, he just stares.
"I know it isn't real," I say.
"Why don't you ever try to save yourself," he asks, "why don't you ever try to stop the water?"
I look down, "stopping the water doesn't save them. What's the point of saving myself when I can't save them?"
"That's very Abnegation of you," he says pointedly.
I sigh, "I don't care if I die, Four. My friends and family are more important to me than my own life."
"Is that why you shot yourself instead of shooting your family," he asks.
"They're my family, even Celeste even though we aren't blood related," I say, "I can't kill them, could you? Kill yours."
He stiffens, "I probably could, but that's unusual."
It is unusual. What was his family like if he doesn't care about them anymore? What happened?
I get up to leave but I pause as my hand closes around the handle. I look back at him and his eyes are already on me. We stare at each other.
Are you like me? I try to ask with my eyes, are you Divergent, Four?
Our eyes hold each other's and his face looses its sternness slowly. It's like an ice shell is being chipped off of him and I can't look away. My heartbeat is in my ears. We've been looking for to long, but neither makes an effort to look away. It's like we're trying to speak without words and we're screaming but the other can't hear. His eyes, so vibrant, so deep, I could drown in them.
I force myself to open the door and to rush out of the room. I curse myself for being so distracted by him all the time, for not being so bothered by it either. I curse myself for not being as broken as the other initiates, who cry themselves to sleep at night, or scream in their nightmares. I curse myself for everything and anything I can think of because I am my own worst enemy.
When I get back to the dorm I expect to find a few people laying in their beds staring blankly at a wall, not all of them surrounding Eric who has the board in his hands facing away from us.
I walk up to Tris and Will who are in the very back of the group.
"What's going on," I ask.
"Ranking," Will answers.
"There are no cuts," Tris says, "apparently it's just a progress report kind of thing."
I nod, makes sense.
Eric lifts the board and hangs it on the wall. He steps to the side and the room falls completely silent.
My name is in the number one spot, Tris is in the number two, and Peter is in third.
Heads turn towards Tris and I. I look at the list closely and see the Tris and I are very different from the others.
Peter's average time is eight minutes. Tris's is two minutes and forty five seconds. Mine is two minutes and five seconds.
"Nice job you two," Will whispers to us.
It doesn't feel nice at all. It feels like a butter knife to the eye. I know by one look at her that Tris is thinking the exact same thing as me. Peter and his cronies are going to come after us. It's not a matter of if, but a matter of when.
The crowd of initiates disperse.
The only people left standing there now are me, Tris, Will, Peter, and Al, who is in last place.
The room is tense as Peter turns to look at Tris and I. I wish he would of glare at us, but he looks at us with pure hatred. He turns slowly to his bunk but at the last second he turns and grabs Tris, shoving her against the wall.
"I will not be outranked by a stiff," he hisses.
I grab his shoulder and rip him off her, "leave her alone you dick!"
He grabs me and throws me against the wall, harder than he had with Tris, "I won't be out ranked by a silly little Flower Child either!"
"How did you two do it, huh," he hisses, "how the hell did you do it!"
He pulls me forward and slams me against the wall again.
Will grabs his collar and rips him backwards, "leave them alone."
"Are you blind," Peter snaps, "or just stupid. They're going to edge you right out of Dauntless and you're going to get nothing because they are manipulating people and you don't. When you realize that they're out to ruin us, let me know!"
Peter turns and storms out of the dorm, Molly and Drew right behind him.
"Is he right," Will suddenly asks, looking more at Tris than at me, "are you trying to manipulate us?"
"Do you hear how crazy that sounds," I ask him.
"How on earth would I do that," Tris scowls at him, "I'm just doing the best I can like everyone else."
"I don't know," Will shrugs, "by acting weak so we pity you? And then acting tough to psyche us out?"
"Psyche you out," Tris repeats, "I'm your friend. I wouldn't do that."
Will doesn't say anything and I can tell he doesn't believe her.
"Don't be an idiot, Will," Christina says, hopping off her bunk, "she's not acting."
I glare harshly at the two of them, "wow! Some friends you are! What, do you only like her when she's below you, is that how this works? Huh? Do you think she needs to accommodate to you just because she used to be Abnegation? Huh? Answer me!"
"Leave it, Mor," Tris says.
Christina stalks out of the room with Will hot on her trail.
"I'm going to go find Uriah," I say, "if you need to, find me later."
I stalk out of the room, the Dauntless side of me wants to go find Will and Chris to knock some damn sense into them. The Erudite side of me knows that's a bad idea, so I settle for a nice walk full of mumbled words of anger.