Flower Child

Chapter Thrity One

I don't know where to go. I want to be alone, and I want there to be zero chance of running into him or any of my friends. I'm so angry at him, but I'm even angrier at myself.
How could I let myself fail like that. I was so weak, so pathetic. At least I proved to Peter and everyone else that I'm just a weak Amity girl, that I'm no threat. Now all I have to do is pass initiation. I thought it would be easy, but after what happened, I'm not so sure.
I somehow find myself in the training room. For some reason, I always find myself here. It's somewhere I know I'll be alone, somewhere I can take my anger out. Right now though, all I want to do is lay on the floor and cry. No, I shouldn't let some guy ruin me, I won't let myself be that girl, who's whole life comes crashing down around her when the guy she likes turns her down.
I kick a punching bag near me so hard that it swings upwards. When it comes back, I kick it again. I kick it again and again and again, switching legs, kicking, kicking, kicking. I kick until my legs give out beneath me. And then I lay there, staring at the swinging bag. I stare at it until it stops swinging and my eyes are burning. And then I stare at the ceiling, at the supports that hold it up.
I push myself off the ground, my legs aching. I push past the pain, and towards the wall. I grab a groove in the wall and hoist myself up. I climb as high as I can, laying on the highest support. I balance perfectly on the thin beam, my hands locked behind my head and my legs crossed over each other.
   It almost felt like being at home, except it didn't smell like it. Home smelt like crops and baking, warm and sweet. Here smells like sweat and wet rock, cold and bitter.
   "What the hell are you doing?"
   I sit up, straddling the bar, "nothing."
   Eric is looking at me with a strange mix of anger and, pride? I don't know exactly what it is but it's the same one he gave me the morning of visiting day.
   "Get down here," he orders.
   I'd rather not, but he's my leader, I have to listen to him. I grip the beam and swing my leg over so I'm hanging off it. I swing my legs so I get a nice pendulum motion going before I launch myself at a lower support and then another one and another one, until I'm low enough to where I can drop down without getting hurt, which is still pretty high. I land in front of Eric, almost completely silent as I do, crouching down to absorb the shock and then standing straight to look at him.
   He looks down at me, "impressive."
   I shrug, not really wanting to accept his praise.
   "What are you doing in here," he asks, "you know you're not allowed in here without supervision."
   He seems different, not like the usual cruel Dauntless brute that he seems like all the time. Now, he's almost like an Erudite disguised as a Dauntless. His stance is less ready to fight and more like he's about to give me an hour long lecture. It's strange.
   I shrug again, "I just wanted to be alone. It was either here, or get on a train and leave, I presume this is the better option of the two."
   He nods, "to bad your Stiff friend didn't see that reasoning."
   "She left," I ask.
   "Yes," he says, "and there will be serious punishments for that, but she's not important right now. I heard you slapped Four."
   I look down at my shoes, "I-"
   "If he decides to take action, you could get kicked out of Dauntless," he says.
   Anger flares through me, "let him, I don't give a damn."
   Eric is silent. I look up at him and I almost wish I hadn't. The look he's giving me sends a chill down my spine. It's far from anger, and it's definitely prideful, possessive even. He likes that I'm angry at Tobias, he likes that I hurt him, he likes me, the pure Dauntless me that doesn't give a crap. I wish I hadn't picked a spot with so little people.
   "Why did you slap him," he asks.
   "I- I was angry," I say, "I-"
   The door suddenly pushes open and Tobias walks through the door. I'm instantly relieved and angry all at once.
   "What's going on here," he asks.
   Eric seems to flip a switch as he looks at him, "it's none of your concern, Four."
   Tobias looks at me for a second and I can tell he can see the fear in my eyes. He looks back at Eric and crosses his arms over his chest.
   "I think it is my concern," he says, "she hit me, her instructor and hid away where she wasn't allowed to be."
   "Why'd she hit you?" He looks at me. "Why'd you hit him?"
   My eyes are wide, "I- I..."
   "She tried to kiss me," Tobias cuts me off, "I rejected her and she acted like a child."
   It stings, but I know he's only saying it to help me.
   Eric let's out a harsh laugh, "really? Don't you think he's a little old for you, Mor?"
   His eyes almost look like he doesn't believe the story, but he goes along with it anyway.
   "Can I go now," I ask.
   Eric looks me up and down, slowly, it makes me shiver, not in a good way.
   "Are you going to do anything about her hitting you, Four?"
   Tobias goes stiff, "like make her factionless? No. She was just being stupid and childish."
   "Okay," Eric nods, "get out, and I better not catch you in here again."
I keep my head down as I pass them. Part of me just wants to turn and hit Tobias again, but I don't. I push through the doors and turn down the hall, towards the darkness that is about twenty feet away. I don't know why I don't leave instantly, that's a lie, I definitely know why.
   The doors to the training room push open and Eric walks out. He doesn't see me as he turns the opposite direction towards the pit. When he's out of my sight and his footsteps fade to nothing. I get up.
   I should leave, I don't. I push through the door into the room. Tobias is pacing, his arms crossed over his chest. When he sees me, he stops and his arms fall to my sides.
   He doesn't say anything so I do, "what?"
   "Are you ok?" He steps forward and places his hand on my cheek lightly, I hit it away.
   "Really," I ask, "am I ok? Let's start from the beginning, I was forced to live through a fear so similar to my own that is almost worse than my own, and then I got screamed at in front of everybody and then I was alone with Eric and I who I couldn't tell if he was about to kill me or... I don't even know. Yeah, it's been one hell of a damn day, Four."
   He winces only slightly, but I still see it. He looks away from, probably trying to hide the hurt in his eyes, it just makes me even angrier.
   "Why do you even care," I snap, "you can't just decide to be the cruel instructor or the caring boyfriend. You gotta pick one because I'm sick of wondering who I'll meet each day."
   "I'm not cruel," he snaps, "I was protecting you. If Peter and the others were to find out about us... You'd never win, they would blame your rank on favoritism."
   I glower, "I know that! I know that we can't go around this place and be a normal couple. You didn't have to do what you did!"
   He looks down at his feet, "I didn't think it would effect you this much. Sometimes I forget that I can hurt you, that you're capable of being hurt."
   Why does he always have to say the right things? Why couldn't he just mess up and let me be angry about it? With just a few words he can turn my anger into nothing, it's infuriating.
   He believed that I was strong enough to not be bothered by what he did, smart enough to understand it, maybe even kind enough to forgive him. God, sometimes I'm to kind.
   I step towards him and rest my hand on his cheek, I lightly press my lips to his, the cold ache of my heart warming up at the touch.
   I pull back, "you're brilliant, you know that? You always know exactly what to do, and to say when you screw up."
   He chuckles, his hand coming up to my face, his fingers grazing over my cheek, my jaw, my lips, "it's because I've thought about this for a long time. What I would do if you and I... Did you call me your boyfriend earlier, Mor?"
   I smirk up at him, "why? Do you want me to?"
   He smiles, resting his forehead against mine. His eyes are closed and his fingers trace my jawline. I study his face with my eyes, memorizing every little detail I can.
   "Yes," he breathes out lowly.
   Warmth rolls through me.
"Do you think we convinced him," he suddenly asks.
The warmth dies, "I'm not sure. He seems to smart to fall for that, like Erudite smart."
His lips tug down into a frown, his brow furrowed in all to familiar look, "I have to tell you something."
Something's wrong, "what is it?"
He shakes his head slightly, "not now, not here. Meet me at the train tracks tonight at eleven thirty."
I nod and he kisses the corner of my mouth, pulling away before I could return the favor. He leaves me standing there, and I know the drill, wait a few minutes before I follow so no one sees.